NEWS TO HARDEN-UP FOLLOWING DALLOW OUTBURST

TV One will report more hard news in future in a measure destined to cater for viewers who find the current bulletins too easy. The change is a response to recent criticisms by news-reader Simon Dallow that the news isn't hard enough. Future TV One reports will contain some "really difficult news stories, some quite hard stuff and then the usual easy or just banal news."

TV One Head of news and current affairs Bill Ralston announced the changes this morning saying that he and Dallow had "had a frank discussion in which I called him a melee-mouthed little c*** and threatened to break his glasses if he ever bagged the channel publicly again. However Simon then explained that we needed to appeal to a wider audience with our news, not just those who watched it for Wendy Petrie-Dish's lip gloss but also those who watched because he was "the thinking woman's bit of eye-candy." I agreed we should give it a go. The new format will have something in it for everyone including clever-clog types like Simon who do the Herald cryptic crossword.

Mr Ralston agreed that in the past the channel had avoided complex economic, science and international stories from places with names that were hard to spell or remember.
"Most viewers don't want to hear about wars in places like Afghanistan, Uzbekistan and Bosnia-Herzegovina. If the USA invaded Invercargill, Australia or Austria we'd be fine featuring that, although people often get the last two countries confused."
He also complained that "Too many modern-day bad guys have hard names. In the old days Hitler, Tojo and even Sadaam were names you could remember and attach a face to. Nowadays they're all El-this, Achbar-that and have inter-changeable beards. The average punter finds it about as confusing as year 13 chemistry. Nevertheless we will be having some of that stuff in the Really Hard News part of the bulletin provided we can cut in some images of gratuitous violence or send Pippa Wetzel to report in a strapless sun-dress."

Mr Ralston also announced that TV One reporters have been provided with lint brushes to remove fluff from their reports - a response to Simon Dallow's plea for less fluff.

"If Simon has an allergy to fluff I think TV One, as a responsible employer, has an obligation to remove as much as we can from his work environment," Bill Ralston told the Kiwi Herald. " When I saw Simon drying his eyes last week I thought it was because of having to read the sad news story about the Crocodile Hunter. Obviously though it was his allergy not just because he's a big shielah."

Meanwhile, Mr Ralston defended the fact that the lead story on the death of Steve Irwin had taken up 13 minutes of Monday evening's news saying that many viewers watched the news with their pets and both groups were valuable members of the TV One viewing public.

PARLIAMENTARY DAY TO BEGIN WITH BULLRUSH

A meeting between Parliament's speaker, whips from the major parties and Year 7 and 8 students from Moenui Primary has agreed that the instead of an opening parliament each day with a prayer, proceedings will kick of with a game of bullrush with Jerry Brownlee and Parekura Horomia in the middle.
The new measure is one of many designed to bring the House to order and make it more understandable for school children visiting the gallery.
"Bullrush is really good fun when the person in the middle huffs and puffs and and sweats alot," Year 7 student Eru Porotai told the Speaker during a school trip to Parliament this week. "I reckon Pare would be awesome. No one would get past him." The children agreed that "Miss Wilson" would have far less trouble with misbehaviour after a game of Bullrush. "Afterwards you're too tired to cause trouble. You just want to sit in class and draw doodles on the desk top," said Kay-Leigh Simpson.
Despite some resistence the whips also agreed to new seating arrangements designed to break up 'unruly groupings' in the House. Rather than being seated as Party groupings MPs will now be seated in several mixed ability groups chosen by the speaker. Group members will have the opportunity to come up with their own group names. Predictably Susan Kedgely's group is named the "Friendly Dolphins" and Peter Dunne's group "The Meercats." Some groups have borrowed their names from TV shows. A group featuring Jerry Brownlee and Hone Harawira has christened themselves "Bro-town" and another with Trevor Mallard, John Key and David Benson-Pope will go under the name of the "Fear Factors."
On the advice of the students, parliamentary misbehaviour will not result in offenders 'being sent from the House.'
"Being sent out isn't bad at all," Eru Porotai told the Herald "It makes you famouser and you get to play pool in Bellamy's." In future those who repeatedly misbehave will have to sit next to Peter Dunne.

SLOW DAY

NATS DECLARE ALTERNATIVE GOVERNMENT
Don Brash announced the formation of a "National Government in exile" today after Helen Clark dismissed his calls for a fresh election as "grandstanding."...more here


WEATHER FORECASTER SNAPS
The coldest winter in 10 years has consequences in Moenui (read here)

'I'M NO HOOKER' SAYS COP
Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai is denying rumours that he has been 'moonlighting as a prostitute' saying there is "little call for uniformed blokes in the trade anymore."...read more

HENRY'S ROTATION POLICY CAUSES DIZZY SPELL

Moenui rugby coach Henry Graham has stuck to his season-long rotation policy, today selecting an all new team and crowd for saturday's match against Southbank. While the selection of a new team was unsurprising the order to replace the entire crowd with fresh lungs was described by one commentator as... read more

BRASH DECLARES NATIONAL GOVERNMENT IN EXILE

Don Brash announced the formation of a "National Government in exile" today after Helen Clark dismissed his calls for a fresh election as "grandstanding." Speaking from the main stand at Athletic Park Dr Brash said that his Party could no longer stand by "while Ms Clark and her band of thieves refuse to hand back the stolen election." The National Party would instead be vacating parliament and establishing it's own "People's Government" outside the Fish and Chip Shop in Kaiaua.
Dr Brash said that the idea of the alternative Government came when a delegation lead by Gerry Brownlee and Tau Henare came to his office saying that they regarded opposition as a hollow exercise while Bellamy's was not serving Fish and Chips for lunch because of the current gas outage.
"I ventured that I had some mexican corn chips and guacamole in the fridge leftover from Monday's caucus and Lockwood Smith, as sharp as a banker's pencil said, 'If we were in Mexico we would be setting up an alternative Government right now.' Next thing you know Tau, whose experience of Government is of it being a moveable feast, convinced us that we should set up our own Government and take it to the people, or at least where they gather for a feed. We are starting at the famous Kaiaua Fish and Chip shop and then on Thursday we will head off to the Happy Wok in Botany Downs where we will probably introduce a flat tax rate."
Dr Brash denied charges from Labour that he would be breaking bread with the Exclusive Bretheran in Hamilton saying that "even if it were true, which it most clearly is not it would be better than dining with the devil at Bellamy's."
Meanwhile a Kiwi Herald Poll has found that 81 percent of New Zealanders want Labour to pay back the $446,000 of taxpayer money the party spent on its pledge card. Most provided the Herald with their bank account details so the money could be returned by direct credit.

BROWN BROTHER TO BE INVESTIGATED OVER GIFTS

Moenui Country Councillor Peter Brown was defending himself today against charges of receiving gifts from constituents, saying that the light aircraft and Mercedes Benz delivered to his house this morning were Fathers Day presents.
Mr Brown who has a pet Labrador but no children, said that the gifts had come from constituents who regard him as a "father figure - and rightfully so."
"There are a lot of fatherless people out there in the community, people who have tragically lost their Dad or sometimes never known him. Hell, it's only natural that in their search for a dad-figure they turn to a leader and provider like myself."
Mr Brown reacted angrily to suggestions that accepting of gifts from constituents was not appropriate saying "It's always the Brown boys who get it in the neck isn't it? What about that skinny four-eyes bugger who leads the National Party. Jeez those scarf wearers gave him a million smackers in koha and what happenened? Bugger all that's what."
Local policeman Frank Tawhai told the Kiwi Herald that he would look into the matter of Mr Brown's gifts. Speaking from a Fathers Day Barbeque where he was enjoying a couple of crayfish supplied by grateful citizens the Constable commented that "I've arranged to meet with Mr Brown. We'll be taking a spin in the Cesna and I'll be asking him the hard questions."
The investigation into Peter Brown's activities follows an earlier police inquiry in 2005 when Mr Brown signed an original Colin Macahon with his own name and gifted it to a school fete. On that occasion the Councillor was cleared of intentional wrong-doing after he explained that "the picture was obviously one Col had dashed off when he was on the piss. Honestly it was just black and white shapes with a whole heap of words scrawled over it. He would have been embarrassed as hell to know that somebody was selling it. I put my name on it to cover for the miserable old joker."

UN Troops to occupy Grammar Zone

(Scoop from Kete Were)
As fighting continues in the disputed Grammar Zone of Aukland, the UN Security Council last night passed a motion to install a peace-keeping force in the troubled region. ...Read On

LATEST HEADLINES

DRINKING STAR SACKED
Drinking star Sonny Faumuina has been dropped from the Moenui Sponges Drinking Team after yet another outburst of football-playing shocked team-mates and spectators alike. The full shocking story here.


NATS CELEBRATE AS FIELD IS SMOKED OUT
Tonto Philip and the Man in the White Hat are smoked out of their hole in the Beehive but National strategists worry about over-arousal in the team.
Read full story

DRAIN 'TOO BLUE LAKE' SAYS COUNCIL
Moenui District Council has directed that Lake Rotonui be "re-coloured, or drained and filled in" because the deep blue colour does not fall within District Plan guidelines. Full story


HOSTAGES NOT FOUND
An anti-terrorism squad fails to find shoppers taken hostage by unionists.
Read on...

DRINKING HERO SACKED FOR FOOTBALL OFFENCES

Drinking star Sonny Faumuina has been dropped from the Moenui Sponges Drinking Team after yet another outburst of football-playing shocked team-mates and spectators alike.
Faumuina who is famed for his free-flowing and 'almost instinctive' style of drinking that helped his team to the National Inter-Pub Grand Final just a few years ago, was sacked by Manager Ivan "the Terrible" Cleary when the star attempted to drop-kick barman 'Bouncy' Ball between the Chivas Regal and Famous Grouse during a drinking match against the visiting Willerton Swillers.
Despite promises to "give the football away" and a period of counselling, Faumuina has been unable to beat his some-time habit of side-stepping around rows of barstools and intercepting drinks ordered by other patrons.
"Frankly it is bloody annoying," said an exasperated Cleary when spoken to by the Herald. "After the first couple of times you get pissed off with being 'bundled into touch' every time you get close to the door of the gents. We are going to be sorry to lose Sonny from the team but everyone has had a gutsful of him defending the bar with his bone crushing tackles and having their attempts to get away a quick pint charged down."
Faumuina's drinking career will be remembered for his signature one-handed attacks on lines of beers and his love for the cheeky off-load. He joins a long list of prodigious drinkers whose passion for rugby has damaged their careers.