CONCERN NATIONAL 'OVER AROUSED'

National Deputy Leader Gerry Brownlee was treated in hospital Thursday night when he suffered a wrist injury while cart-wheeling down the steps of Parliament. The incident occurred on a great day for National which began with excellent poll results for the party and got better with news that Taito Philip Field was being investigated by the police has however prompted concern among strategists.
Such was the euphoria of leading National politicians that concerned strategists last night called an emergency meeting to "curb the arousal level of a team racing towards Government." The meeting was designed to reign in the enthusiasm of key party spokespeople so that they did not "overplay their hands at this early stage in the political cycle."
However the meeting was too late to prevent a testosterone-filled Don Brash say on TV One's 'NZ Close Up' programme that he had no faith in the police investigation into Field because the force is "a bunch of Labour Party stooges who relentlessly hounded Shane Ardern for driving a tractor up the steps of Parliament on a single occasion but has consistently failed to intercept a well known art fraudster who climbs those steps every day."
A well placed National Party source (currently 3rd equal on the Party's 'Pick the Polls' sweepstake) told the Kiwi Herald that strategists were relieved that Dr. Brash had fallen short of questioning why "the woman who stole the 2005 election was not being investigated in relation to the theft of the Mexican election."
Meanwhile members of Auckland's Thai community are expressing relief that Lockwood Smith has passed over information on Taito Philip Field to the police. A spokesperson for the community told the Kiwi Herald that Thai people will now get relief from being approached by "Sir asking when where and why Taito took money from them and made them work as slaves."
Labour Party insiders expressed relief today that "Tonto Philip and the Man in the White Hat have finally been smoked out of their hole in the Beehive." An un-named spokeswoman said that "with any luck we will be shot of the pair of them by the next election."

COUNCIL SAYS LAKE 'WRONG COLOUR'

The Moenui District Council today directed that Lake Rotonui be "re-coloured, or drained and filled in" after it was found that the current deep blue colour did not fall within District Plan guidelines.
"Frankly it is an eyesore," Council CEO Duncan Field told The Kiwi Herald. "It stands out like the dogs proverbials against the muted grey and green tones of the eroding hills and the scrub and gorse. The District Plan is quite clear that resource consent will only be granted where colour is derived from the predominant landscape. Clearly Lake Rotonui is out of step and we have ordered landowners bordering the Lake to take appropriate steps to remedy the situation."
Last year local peak Mount Sharp was "rounded off" after the planning Commissioners found it's "brash up-thrusting created a visual dissonance in an otherwise gently rolling and emotionally soothing vista."

ARMY FAILS TO FIND SHOPPERS HELD HOSTAGE

The Army's crack anti-terrorism squad today raided the offices of the National Distribution Union but failed to find any hostages. The action was prompted by full page pieces in most major dailies where Progressive Enterprises, owners of major supermarket chains, said shoppers were being held hostage by striking unionists.
Army spokesperson Colonel Jack Major said after the raids that it was early days, the identities of those held hostage were as yet unknown but he was confident 'a good result' would be achieved.
"We've got the Reverand Jessie Jackson coming. He's volunteered to negotiate the release of all those held just as soon as he finishes persauding Hisbollah to release those Israeli soldiers. In the meantime we've got local expert Chrisyopher Harder on board."
Meanwhile Foodtown shopping reporter and dietitian Marnie Oberer has recorded a series of emotional appeals to the hostage-takers not to skimp on fresh meat and vegetables when feeding their captors. She has recommended "a couple of slow cooking recipes and a few envigorating snacks to help fill those long periods of just sitting around reading Das Kapital."
Meanwhile three missing people were found when the army scoured supermarkets for missing shoppers. An elderly Invercargill couple were discovered 'cosy but slightly greasy' after two weeks escaping cold weather down the back of a Foodtown pie-warmer. In Hamilton a six year old boy was pulled feet-first from a bin filled with 'end of the line confectionary'. His mother told The Kiwi Herald that she believed his day buried in cheap chocolate might have brought an end to 'his constant bloody whining for treats.'

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL'S COMPUTER SHOCK

Moenui was gripped by a deepening sex-scandal today when a search of local teacher Jim Jenkinson's computer found more 'inappropriate images.' Last week the nearby Meka Valley School principal was censured by the school Board after an IT contractor found shocking images on his computer while attempting to extract a ham sandwich from the floppy drive. The images included 'scores of pictures of Bambi gambolling wantonly and about a thousand pictures of the Disney characters Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.'

Board Chairman Paul Apperley told the Herald that while there was no law against having such images on a computer "everyone knows it is not appropriate for someone charged with the care of small children to be locked in his office looking at this stuff. You have to wonder what else he's been looking at don't you?"
The Chairman's question was answered today when the new search of the computer turned up three pictures of MP Ron Mark 'giving the finger.'
Mr Apperley said the Board was appalled that "the school's property was being used to down-load such filth and parents in the community are understandably despairing about the safety of their children."

IRANIAN LEADER CALLS NZ MP "GOOD JOKER"

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today described National MP Bob Clarkson as a 'really good joker' and 'a laugh a minute.'
Responding to the Tauranga MP's comments that 'Islam religion-type people' who wore burqas 'could be crooks hiding guns and should go back to Islam or Iraq,' the President said that he had a good giggle when he read the comment and he was sure members of Islamic Jihad had also.
"No one could possibly believe that anyone with half a brain could make such comments except as a joke," said the President, "and quite clearly the New Zealand people would not elect a - how you say - a half-wit to represent them. Personally I haven't laughed so much since MP Bob told the one about impaling his left testicle on the barbed-wire fence."

The 'take me as you find me' Mr Clarkson made the statements to the Dominion Post and then eleborated on them when he hosted the 'Good Jokers Unite Night' in Upper Hutt a few days later. Before an adoring and jolly crowd of 'jokers' and 'the odd shiela,' Clarkson said that when he sees women in burqas walking down the street he wonders whether there could be a terrorist gang or a whole family of illegal immigrants hiding under the garment.
"Clearly allowing these so-called women to wear these tents is dangerous," said Clarkson, "Besides it's not the Kiwi way is it? Who ever heard of 'Burqas on Bikes?"
To a rising tide of laughter, applause and shouts of "Give it to 'em Bob," Clarkson turned his attention to the Government MPs, describing them as "liars, cheats and bloody crooks." He hastily withdrew a further comment that they were, "bum bandits, cross-dressers and assassins of businessmen," saying the terms had "slipped in there accidentally while I was in full voice."

Responding to a question from the floor about gay rights Clarkson said, "I've got nothing against homosexuals and lebanese as long as they're doing it in their own house. I'm with the Israelis on this one. Once they start to try and spread their preferences into other countries and kidnap normal heterosexual soldiers the Jews have to make a stand."
"Let me tell you if those homos try to ram it down my throat, look out," he said to shouts of "Bloody oath."
Mr Clarkson later refused to elaborate on what he meant by the statement telling the Kiwi Herald reporter to "keep it decent."

Meanwhile, Chris Finlayson, National's only gay MP, said he agreed with everything Clarkson had said and would be staying home in future.

FIRST BOOBS ON BIKES; NOW DICKS ON STICKS

Following the success of "Boobs on Bikes" the East Auckland Gigilos Collective has announced a Queen Street parade of it's own. The parade entitled "Dicks on Sticks" will feature naked male sex-workers on stilts and is described by promoter Steve Sparrow as "a bit of good clean fun and a chance for the lads to direct-market their wares to the public." When asked whether such an event was suitable for a public place Sparrow said, "There is absolutely no difference between what we are planning and the show yesterday."
Mayor Dick Hubbard has described the idea as "morally reprehensible."

Meanwhile yesterday's parade continues to bring comment. Police are dismissing media claims that on-lookers for the "Boobs on Bikes" event numbered as many as 100,000, saying that to the less experienced observer the crowd may have appeared to swell to that number but this was an illusion caused by unprecedented levels of tumescence among those gathered. Police are sticking with their estimate of 15,000 and 73,000 cameras.
Indeed emailed photographs of the event brought a halt to trading on the Auckland Stock Exchange later in the afternoon when the NZSX computer system failed to cope with the volume of photographs of porn stars Michel Hill and Fletcher Holding. One observer on the floor said "I haven't seen this much excitment since the day the market nose-dived in '87."
The "Boobs" event also created unprecedented interest overseas with coverage in places as far-flung as Dubai, Delhi, and Dallas. Auckland Chamber of Commerce CEO Michael Barnett told the Kiwi Herald that "such publicity is really putting Auckland on the map and can only be good for the city."
Barnett said he was unsure about the "Dicks on Sticks" event. He thought children might be encouraged to try the stunt at home.
In another development sources say that TV One News, which ran a poll on whether the parade should proceed, will now run an extended breast-based investigation after pictures of the parade drew good ratings. News Head Bill Ralston is quoted as saying that the investigation will include new polls where "viewers will be asked to comment on questions such as 'Which Boob for you- Augmented or Natural?' and 'Do big-breasted women make better mothers?' This will be ground-breaking television," said Ralston.
One insider told the Herald that Angela Bloomfield who was recently voted "best NZ breasts" in a Fayreform poll will front the new TV One investigative team.
Meanwhile in a separate incident on Auckland's notorious Hunters Corner last night, a young prostitute was ordered to 'cover up' by police when she appeared without a top. Speaking later to the Kiwi Herald 'Angel' asked "How come those tarts can flash their tits all through town in the middle of the day and me and my mates get moved on all the bloody time?"
Angel, who says she is 'near enough to sixteen' says that events like "Boobs on Bikes" give a false view of prostitution.
"That's just bullshit. It might look all glamorous wriggling your arse and your boob-job at TV cameras but that's not real. I tell you what's real. It's being banged by a couple of fat old suits in the back of a Lexus, then tipped out onto the gutter, thrown fifty bucks and called a filthy black slut."

PLAYER SUFFERS DIZZY SPELL AS HENRY ROTATES SELECTION

Moenui rugby coach Henry Graham has stuck to his season-long rotation policy, today selecting an all new team and crowd for saturday's match against Southbank. While the selection of a new team was unsurprising the order to replace the entire crowd with fresh lungs was described by one commentator as 'posssibly brilliant but probably an indication of mental instability.'
Henry, however, was unrepentant when he spoke to The Kiwi Herald.
"It's been a long season and a fair number of the crowd are jaded or carrying injuries after a stouch at last week's aftermatch. They would have found it hard to get up for this Saturday's game, especially since Rob at the Masonic hotel is having a birthday party Friday night."

Moenui (pop. 417) market gardener Leung 'the lettuce' Lee became the rotation policy's 403rd player of the season when veteran Rupert Thorne suffered a dizzy spell and had to withdraw when told he was to be rotated onto the team after a 60 year lay-off. The blind-side flanker was dropped from the team in 1946 when he famously vomited after the opposition wheeled the scrum.
An excited Leung Lee paused from dive passing cabbages to tell the Herald it was a great honour to become Moenui's first person of Chinese descent to play for the club and offered an ancient proverb to describe the significance of the event. Gazing across a sea of bak choy towards a mist-shrouded Rugby Park Lee said, "Always remember, with time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown." When asked whether the saying had been passed down from his Chinese ancestors Lee replied that it was an old favourite of former all black coach John Mitchell.
The 1m 59 Lee was named at lock where it is believed his mathematical skills will be of great service.
"We've been hammered by refs all season for having too many or too few players in the line-out. We're confident the little Chinese fella will be quick at counting up and ordering the necessary adjustments," Henry said.
The Moenui team's record as they enter saturday's match reads : 15 played, 13 lost, 1 drawn, 1 match abandoned when groundsman's dog ran off with ball.

SCHOOL SPORTS DAY SPARCS EXCITEMENT

One child was hospitalised, another eight were treated for hypothermia and some remain lost following a school sports day that is being hailed as "a brilliant success" by organisers. Moenui Area School held it's first sports day since recently deciding to abandon many traditional sports in favour of 'high performance' sports. Gone were tennis, softball, basketball, soccer and gymnastics. Instead a crowd of enthusiastic parents cheered the children through athletics, rowing, sailing, triathlon and cycling events.

One stand-out athletic performance came from Kevin 'Kong' Tupaea who put the shot through the Principal's office window during a warm-up throw. In another memorable moment school groundsman's dog 'Bounce' easily won the 43 metre high hurdles but was disqualified after she chased a passing javelin and accidentally tore down the official marquee.
In another dramatic turn three six year olds and a confused grandparent who set off on the run-leg of the triathlon have not been sighted since.
"To see those little fellas stagger off their bikes and head off so bravely onto the run would have brought tears to Hamish Carter's eyes," said Principal Hone Morris. "The fact that they are still out there 24 hours later shows they are real champions of the future."
Meanwhile the rowing event failed to live up to pre-race hype when the two rowing shells, built from now disused gymnastic vaulting horses, sank without trace upon launching. The converted tennis racquets which were to be used as oars were tossed into the tide by disgusted competitors who described them as 'a complete waste of time.'
In the board sailing event high winds made for exciting racing and hyperthermia for seven students and the local coast-guard who was rescued by the eventual winner, 8 year old Babe Kendell.
In an exclusive interview with the Kiwi Herald the school's new Head of Sports and PE Nicholas Hill, dismissed misgivings expressed by parents about the new-look sports day. Hill who admits he does not play sport, says his past experience playing an energetic parrot in 'Treasure Island' and counting trees for Fletcher Challenge had prepared him for the job.
"I think it would have been hard for someone with a sporting background to do this job. Counting trees gives you an ability to see the bigger picture," said Hill.
"Sport can no longer be about fun and games. In the global world it is about money and national pride so we aren't prepared to put our time and money into mediocrity anymore. We are doing away with the sports that don't bring participants big bucks or Women's Weekly cover stories. Hamish Carter, Sarah Ulmer, and that big fat Polynesian chick who throws that steel ball- these are the role models for our future sporting heroes. We are aiming for our students to bring home 6 golds from the Olympics in 2012 and about 20 from the Commonwealth's in 2014."
Meanwhile former softball first-baseman and captain Mati Sorrenson is recovering in hospital having instinctively attempted a catch during the hammer throw event. When asked about Mr Hill's new sporting broom Mati said that the man was obviously a sporting genius. "Trouble is like all brilliant men he will get lots of flash job offers and so he'll move on. There's a rumour that he is off to coach the underwater hockey team in Darfur. He'll be real good there."

Nicholas Hill : sporting genius

STRONG WINDS MOVE NEW YORK STATE EASTWARD

Part of New York State moved 30 metres eastward yesterday causing flags to be lowered throughout the pannicked state. Emergency Service officials who at first thought the state was suffering a nuclear attack realised that the several million stars and stripes which festoon the region were acting as sails in strong winds 'turning the state into a massive yacht heading towards Europe.' They immediately ordered that flags be lowered or cut free.

Kiwi Herald correspondent Frank Lush who is visiting New York reported some days ago that patriotic flying of "Old Glory" had reached unprecedented levels.

"Flags are everywhere. Its like a Nuremberg rally. Some New York buildings have ten or fifteen of Stars and Stripes the size of Black Magic's mainsail flying from them."
Lush said that as a regular sailor the dangers of excessive flag flying were apparent to him immediately.
"Ever since 9/11 when the flag-flying craze really took off its been an accident waiting to happen. Any 12 year old 'P' class sailor could have seen that the entire Eastern sea-board was in danger in really high wind. So I wasn't surprised at all when the wind got up yesterday that the place started to move. It was just lucky that a fault line opened up along the Hudson and the state tacked 30 metres. I had visions of New York doing a massive capsize. No amount of bailing would have helped. We would have gone down like an Aussie challenger for the Auld Mug."
Lush predicted that after the scare fewer flags would be flown and the state would gradually drift back to its old position. "The whole state is drifting leftward," said Lush. "Dubya and his lot are completely discredited here."

NZ LEADERS INSPIRE FAMOUS BLOGGERS

NZ National Party leader Don Brash’s foray into the blogosphere has had immediate reaction internationally with President Ahmadinejad of Iran beginning publication of his own blog. Last week it was revealed that Dr Brash had taken to placing comments on the kiwiblog site. Today President Ahmadinejad divulged what many suspected in an exclusive interview with the Kiwi Herald: the New Zealand oppostion leader inspired the Iranian leader to reach out to the world through the web.
“Dr Don and I am in similar positions, surrounded on all sides by those who wish to present untuths about us through the media. The TV and the newspapers, they misquote us, they belittle us. When I heard that Doctor Don had begun to tell his truths directly to his people I thought 'Yes I can do this also. I will start my own newspaper.'
President Ahmadinejad said he had great admiration for the NZ Opposition leader who like him had the backing of important Imams.
Meanwhile rumours are circulating that other leaders are considering launching their own sites and seeking inspiration from New Zealand.
Pope Benedict XVI has already presented first blog drafts to confidants and is believed to have sought counsel from United Party leader Peter Dunne on how to maintain his 'supremely wise aura while at the same time appearing to be a the loving shepherd of the flock.'
North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is expected to begin blogging any day. The film buff who has a collection of some 20,000 video tapes will launch a film review site entitled Kim Flicks and is expected to begin his blog with a major essay on two of his favourite movies Friday The 13th and Rambo. Kim who is keen to build a North Korean film industry has sought advice from NZ PM Helen Clarke whom he admires greatly. Indeed there are rumours that his ambition is to direct and star in a movie with the NZ Prime Minister. She will appear throughout in her famous red dress and the pair will ski, mountain climb and perform a series of heroic acts backed by a thousand voice revolutionary choir. The working title of the movie is "Popular, Competent and Utterly Peerless."

Meanwhile in entirely unrelated news our New York correspondent Frank Lush reports that a New Poll of US voters has found that following recent terrorist alerts support for the Republican Party’s handling of the 'war on terror' has risen in the past few days to 53 percent. A further 17 percent of Americans said they would prefer the policies served with extra cheese or with an upsized serving of fries on the side.
Peter Dunne is believed to be advising Pope Benedict on how to emulate his 'firm but caring shepherd' public image.

PAKEHA CARRY 'LOVE GENE'

A day after a genetic scientist announced that Maori carry a ‘Warrior gene’ another scientist has revealed that people of European descent are carriers of a gene that promotes caring. The gene which has been labeled ‘the gene of love’ pre-disposes those who have it to ‘be motivated by feelings of kindness and love of humanity.’
The brilliant Moenui scientist Joe Mengele, who specializes in the breeding of finches, has been ‘mapping the human genome as a hobby for about sixteen weeks’ made his claim when speaking on Radio Moenui to ace interviewer Katherine Ryan.
Mr Mengele told Ms Ryan that “historically the survival of Christianity was really down to the existence of the ‘gene of love’ in European peoples. They were predisposed to take on Christ’s teachings and take it to the world. In doing so they also shared with other peoples the benefits of Western technology and political economy.”
Despite the laser-like questioning of Katherine Ryan Mr Mengele was able to explain away apparent contradictions. “The horrors of colonialism, the slave trade and the apparent propensity of Europeans to indulge in genocide involving the death of millions even in the current century, can be explained as a hyperactive love gene. “As we all know you can have too much of a good thing, and too much caring can result in rogue behaviours. Dedication to socialism for instance is a consequence of caring for your fellow man to a dangerous level. Stalin cared deeply for the welfare of his people, so much so that he found it necessary to exterminate 30 million of them. The current booming sex slave industry in Europe is an indicator of a society that loves too much.”

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can report that in response to yesterday’s report that Maori are carriers of the ‘Warrior gene’ Cullen Sports has begun a ‘fire sale’of league players to English clubs and has signed an agreement with several iwi who will supply replacement players to the New Zealand Warriors franchise.

CONDI RICE A HIZBOLLAH AGENT?

World Exclusive
Rumours and speculation rife in the USA suggesting that Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice is romantically involved with George W. Bush are false but there is strong evidence that the Secretary of State is a Hizbollah agent.
The rumours of love between the dynamic duo were boosted when 'Condi' made what was labelled 'a slip of the tongue' while at a society dinner in Washington. During dinner conversation the unmarried Rice was heard to say “As I was telling my husb—” before stopping abruptly and then continuing, “As I was telling President Bush.”
Reports in the New York Times and elsewhere described how jaws dropped around the table and speculation erupted that Condi's weekends with Dubya and Laura were not only about putting out the fires of passion erupting all over the Middle East.
However in a report set to rock the world Kiwi Herald correspondent Frank Lush who is currently in New York revealed that Ms Rice did not actually say "As I was telling my husb-"
What she actually was heard to say was "As I was telling my Hizb-"
Mr Lush who describes himself as 'a student of human frailty' has spent the last week studying the American psyche, first on the New York subway and then 'in a hotel room with 52 channels of the most appalling television you can imagine.'
"It's all pretty obvious to an outsider that the husband interpretation is rubbish. Watching this brilliant woman on TV day after day you can see that there is no way she is interested in the Bush boy in a romantic way. Hell what would they talk about? Geography? Some brother on the Metro told me that it was Condi told Dubya that Lebanon was not an organisation for gay women wanting to go straight."
Lush believes that what 'Condi' almost said at the dinner was "As I was telling my Hizbollah friends."
"It was almost a fatal slip up," says Lush "but the Washington press was conditioned by the Clinton years to think that women in the white house are only interested in one kind of undercover work. They jumped to the wrong conclusion."
"My Hizbollah theory makes more sense every day," says Lush. "After all Condoleeza has been driving policy over the current shambles in Lebanon. Her policy has been perfect for them. Hizbollah has become the terrorist organisation of choice throughout the region. Watch the marches in Gaza and Iraq and Syria. Hizbollah leader Nazrallah is the Arnold Schwarzenegger of Muslim youth. Mark my word: Hizbollah has not been seriously damaged by the current war. They have an endless supply of recruits and access to arms. Condi's policies have ensured this."
Lush says that he is still doing the research but is developing a full theory.
"A few more days in front of the box and then a day or two of action research with the brothers and sisters sleeping on the steps of the 1st Baptist Church and I reckon I'll have it sussed," says Lush.
"There are two things I have to match up. One is Condi's history. She grew up in Alabama when things for coloured folk were pretty grim. Her kindergarten friend was killed by a KKK bomb. She was a child prodigy at the piano and sharper than a tack at Uni."
"Thing Two is the fact that she is now in the White house with a bunch of red neck white guys. It does not add up."
"My contention is that Condi is an undercover member of the Nation of Islam, the radical African American organisation. In the same way a Chopin sonata sneaks into your head and stays there Condi has infiltrated the white house as part of a grand plan. Come 2008 she may become the first Black Muslim President of the US of A."
Lush says that that even if his theory "turns out to be a load of crap it makes as least as much sense as the news commentaries on TV here. Besides its a bloody good story aye."

BOYS' FAILURE AT SCHOOL 'OK' BY THEM

A survey of secondary school students has revealed a major change in boy's life aspirations that has social commentators startled. The Moenui survey which asked male students what they want to do when they grow up found that 44% of boys aged 13 to 18 want to marry a Prime Minister a Governor General or a Supreme Court Judge. Meanwhile only 30% of boys responded with the traditional answer that they wanted to get a job in the professions or a trade and to 'marry a girl with big tits.'
A further 7% of boys said their ambition was to 'play X box while the kids were at school' and a another 3% wanted to be porn stars.
The survey follows on a major report that shows females outstripping boys in secondary school and university success and in numbers enering the professions.
Retired Moenui sociologist Ewen Tremewen told the Kiwi Herald that the results showed a major swing in boy's priorities reflecting the societal trend of females replacing males as high achievers academically and in the professions.
"Basically the jury has come in early with the predictable verdict," said Tremewen. "While the statistics have been showing that girls and women are smarter and higher achievers boys have been adjusting their priorities accordingly. Males may indeed be scholastically inferior and less suited to the professional world but they know what side their bread is buttered on. Boys are seeing new opportunities opening up for them in a female dominated world.
Male students who spoke to the Kiwi Herald seemed to reinforce the sociologists analysis.
Year 13 student Neil Morrison believes that boys lack the abilities that are valued at school.
"There's no way us guys can compete anymore. Like, chicks can talk really good and learn lots of facts and write neatly and that's what is wanted at school and uni."
"Us boys are good at guys stuff like playing bull-rush and challenging convention. You know like asking the teacher why do we have to learn this shit and coming up with ideas for outrageous new video games."
Mike 'Eminem' Moore, a year 12 student, said that it was "sweet" that his girlfiend was getting good grades because he needed earning power behind him while he focused on "giving voice to truth and surfing the net."
"I mean seriously who wants to wear a suit and be a lawyer doing all that boring shit or a doctor looking at puss-filled ears all day. Seriously, why would you sit in some Uni lecture theatre all day when you could be doing something interesting."

KIWI MAN RIDES OUT NEW YORK HEATWAVE

A New Zealand man is 'bagless, homeless and broke and having the time of his life' riding the New York subway during the city's heatwave. Frank Lush from tiny Moenui took refuge on the rail network yesterday to escape the 38 degree + heat that has engulfed the city since he arrived in the USA. Having already lost his bags in flight he has since lost all his cash and some credit cards on the subway.
"As soon as I stepped out of the airport I knew I was in trouble," said Lush. "I felt like I did the one time I tried out one of those Finnish saunas. Took me about two seconds to decide that I was a man of temperate climes and that Finns are a peculiar lot. I'm not talking anatomically here you understand. I very quickly did an Andy Haden dive for the door."
This time however relief was harder to find. Lush says he walked for several blocks after leaving the airport bus but knew he was in danger of expiring.
"I was melting. I tried going in to shops or banks to cool down but you can only spend so much time in ladies lingerie or the foyer of Chase Manhattan before someone enquires about your intentions."
Lush eventually joined hundreds of poor people and homeless who have taken to the air-conditioned carriages of the underground railway where you can ride all day or even longer on one ticket. The Moenui man is loving it.
"Its the best show in town I reckon," says Lush. "This is the best way to see New York- a moving public bar with an everchanging bunch of punters from every part of the planet."
"I didn't know there were so many places you could come from. So far I've counted 94. Its easy to tell the Americans though. They're the ones talking loud like they own the place."
When he reaches the end of one line Lush changes to another. In his report to the Kiwi Herald Mr Lush recounted some of his encounters on the subway.
"There are musicians everywhere like my mate Adama Dembele who plays a West african sitar and sings to raise money to get home and feed orphan kids, and the big Chinese opera singer at 51st street whose glorious voice echoes round the station like he was at Carnegie Hall. I hand both some cash and tell them if they're ever in Moenui I can promise them a good crowd at the Masonic Hotel. "
Then there's the lovely woman from the Bronx. She gets on the carriage and greets me like an old friend. 'How good to see you Strauss,' she calls as she sits across the aisle. 'You've changed.'"
I call back 'Hello, but I think you have got me mixed up with somebody else.'
'No,' she says 'You were much older the last time I saw you that's all.'
'The name's Lush,' I say. 'From New Zealand.'
She shakes her head. 'What is the world coming to. First you get younger and then you change your name,' and then she starts to clap without sound.
She is clapping out a rhythm and staring like she's watching notes on a manuscript. She does this for two stops, occasionally shaking her head like she has it wrong and starting the clapping over again.
Finally when she gets up to leave she asks 'The quartet. Is it coming along Lush?'
'Not bad,' I say. 'Impossible in this heat though,' and I press a couple of notes into her hand. 'Here,'I tell her 'for some manuscript paper.'
"Every now and then there are other performances. A mexican guy who gets on near Central Park thinks he is John Lennon's restless spirit and calls the rest of us passengers all sorts of bastards for doing nothing about the current wars. I feel guilty, say that I love his work, press a note or two into his sweaty palm and move to another carriage."
"Then there's the boy who enters a silent carriage and shouts 'Ladies and Gentlemen, Your attention for a moment please.' The rest, which lasts about 2 minutes I don't understand a word of and I reckon he doesn't either cause he makes no eye contact and looks like he can't wait to get his speel over with. I figure there is a Dad or a boss somewhere who this kid is trying to please.
He finishes, heads for the door and I chase after him. 'Well done m'boy,' I say and give him a couple of notes. 'Go buy yourself an ice cream and a copy of Whale Rider.'
Lush says he's had conversations with 'drunks and junkies, utra orthodox Jews with bowler hats and ringlets and women wearing the veil.' He's discussed the NBL with 'a bunch of jive-talking black guys who made me laugh like hell when they talked about their team's terrible season and who laughed at me when I told them about how the Tall Blacks had beaten the Boomers.'
Lush says he has given away all his cash. He also donated his Farmers Card to a Columbian woman who used to harvest coca and his membership of the Moenui RSA to a Gulf War veteran.
Mr Lush figures he will last a day or two more on the subway and then ring his son who is due in town to get married.
"I reckon I've got about ten new songs, a string of multi-lingual curses, a few prayers, some cheap drink recipes and some bloody good yarns to share with him," says Lush."Trouble is he'll think I'm bullshitting."

GIVE UP GIBSON OR WE BOMB AUSTRALIA SAYS ISRAELI PM

A Drunken Mel Gibson and supporters abusing Jews.

Israel threatened to extend its war for survival into Australia this morning following anti-semitic remarks from the famous Australian born actor Mel Gibson. The remarks from a drunken Gibson have dominated the US and Israeli media in recent days causing outrage. Israel reacted today by demanding that the Australia turn over Gibson or face 'targeted actions against known family members and other supporters of Gibson until he is given over to Israeli authorities.'
US officials have supported Israel's right to defend itself from hate-speech and incitement to violence. A State Department Official said that 'Mr Gibson is a leader in the popular media and the Christian community and his statements are dangerous in the extreme.'
Meanwhile Australian PM John Howard has told The Herald "The Australian Government is extremely embarrasssed that the star of those great movies about the Aussie experience "Gallipoli" and "Braveheart" has made this terrible error of judgement. As in the case of the other Australian-born terorrist Hicks, we will co-operate to the utmost with the forces of freedom. I'm sure Australians will be thrilled to know that I have invited Condaleeza Rice to Australia to negotiate a quick settlement and play a couple charity concerts for peace at the Sydney Opera House. The more Chopin that woman plays the better world we make for our children."

KIWI HELD OVER NEW YORK TERRORIST SCARE

From our international correspondent
A New Zealand man who prompted a terrorist alert at JFK Airport in New York has described the incident as "a storm in a paper cup." The Moenui man, Frank Lush who regularly offers comment for the Kiwi Herald, caused the incident during an altercation over the unavailability of tea at an airport diner.
An angry Mr Lush apparently told counter staff that he would "have any kind of bloody day" he liked and that "the entire airport ought to have a bomb put under it." The latter comment prompted an alert involving armed security and a SWAT team.
According to Mr Lush who is in New York for the wedding of his son Frank Lush Junior, the trouble began when he arrived in New York after an 18 hour flight "suffering from severe nicotine deprivation."
"I get off the plane and sprint to Immigration Control full of anticipation only to find myself with a thousand and six other poor sods coralled at the US equivalent of the old Westfield Meat Works holding pens. I can tell you that after an hour and a half amongst the huddled masses I'm thinking the butchers blade can't come soon enough. What makes it worse is I'm in the middle of a bunch of folks from the Middle East and thereabouts who are goggle-eyed at this big TV screen showing breaking news of dead Lebanese kids and their weeping Mums and Dads. Watching this stuff and the faces of my fellow visitors I'm wondering 'Who is the half-wit in charge here? At the head of the queue they're trying to detect the terrorists while all the way up the terrorists are being created.' No kidding between the craving I've got and watching the news with these nice people I'm pretty well ready to join a jihad myself," said Lush.
"So when I finally get to the bloke with the stamp and discover that I have to give my fingerprints and have my photo taken for the American version of the Wanganui computer I'm not happy but I comply. Even when the man in the uniform makes smart-arse remarks about my reading skills and hands one of the forms back a couple of times because I've not filled in properly I focus on the joyful first inhale of the Port Royal roll-your-own I've got in my breast pocket and try to smile."
Lush said that once he got through Immigration Control he went to the baggage claim area only to find no sign of his luggage.
"It takes a good 45 minutes, of looking and looking and finding someone whose responsibility it is to talk to me, before I find myself at a desk labelled 'Baggage Irregularities' where I learn from a lovely young girl who speaks about seven languages that my details will be processed along with hundreds of others who have suffered the same fate in the last 24 hours: people whose lives have been sent on to Paris or Papeete or some windswept airport in Uzbekistan.
"I do not, you understand say anything negative to this woman, who looks like she wishes she was at the beach with a copy of 'Australian Woman's Weekly' (the American edition.) It is when I get through Customs and to the Diner where I plan to buy a nice cuppa to take outside with my smoke that I lose it."
"Here in the land that sent Armstrong to the Moon and bore Loius Armstrong and Martin Luther they don't do a cup of ordinary gumboot tea. They have a list of drinks as long as your arm which you need a bloody science degree to decipher but they can't make a cup of tea. Strewth. I order a cup of black coffee and then it happens. The bloke hands me a paper cup of watery coffee that scolds my hand and says 'Have a nice day.' I say with a smile, 'Thankyou but I'll have any kind of day I want.'
Mr Lush says that from that point 'things turned to custard' with the Diner owner telling him to return to Australia where it was inferred he indulged in an illegal relationship with his mother. Mr Lush replied that he had 'only been in the country for 5 minutes' but that this was long enough for him to know 'that this bloody airport needs a bomb under it and I'm just the boke to do it so hold your tongue or you'll get a Moenui mihi.'
Very shortly after this Mr Lush was escorted from the airport under armed guard.
When the Kiwi Herald spoke to him early today Mr Lush said he had been told by the NYPD Police Inspector in charge of his case that he would not be visiting Cuba and would probably be released soon. "We get on like a house on fire'" said Lush. "Seems his old man spent some time in Godzone with the US Army during WW2. Even travelled the North a bit on some R &R. It's a bloody small world. Who knows we could be related."