SHOPLIFTERS FAIL TO MOVE STORE

Four Moenui teenagers appeared in the District Court yesterday charged with shop-lifting after they attempted to raise the Moenui 4 Square Store from it's current position on the corner of Parnell Street and deposit it in the harbour.

In evidence Constable Frank Tawhai said the only thing that prevented the successful commissioning of a major crime was the fact that the offenders underestimated the weight of the shop.
"I've not seen such an audacious and foolhardy attempt at crime since the Hoha brothers attempted to hold up the TAB back in '87," Constable Tawhai told the Court.
"On that occasion the TAB was shoulder height when the younger of the brothers lost his balance causing long-time TAB worker Madge Talthrop to fall across the electronic betting terminal and inadvertently place $204,000 on 'LateforLunch' in the 9th race."

Ms. Talthrop became Moenui's first millionaire as a consequence of the accident and surprised locals by marrying Fred Hoha who was twenty years her junior.

In the only other case to be brought before Judge D.B. Leattie yesterday a gang of three youths were charged with assault on rising shot-put star Kevin 'Kong' Tupaea. In evidence Tupaea said he was attacked on the way home from school by the 'bunch of nerds' who first taunted him because he could not recite from the Iliad and then pelted him with scrabble pieces. The case is continuing.

JUDY BAILEY BOOK TELLS ALL

Judy Bailey's long-awaited tell-all book went on sale today revealing her anguish at being dumped after many years behind the counter at the Moenui 4 Square Store.

The book, entitled In My Ghostwriter's Own Words has been anticipated ever since the popular shop assistant was passed over in favour of a sixteen year old with exquisite breasts and an encyclopaedic knowledge of confectionary.

In the book Bailey claims that the young replacement, Wendy Petrie-Dish was hired because at sixteen she would work for "sweet bugger all" while Bailey was holding out for a continuation of her $22,800 salary.
"I was worth it. The salary was for my brand. Mention Moenui 4 Square to anyone 'round here and they think of me. I didn't get the nick-name 'Mother of the Village' for nothing," explained the perenially pregnant Bailey.
Bailey was 'gutted' when her salary was leaked to members of the public by her employer and says she found being called a 'rich bitch' really hurtful.'
"I know compared with most people 'round here eleven bucks an hour is alot of money but speaking in a global sense it is not," Bailey told the Kiwi Herald. "Look at all of those other women who front for businesses. I bet that Teresa Gattung and Julie Christie are earning double what I was."

DUNKING WITNESSED BY REPORTER

A leading pastor who performs 'water therapy on difficult women' has dismissed criticisms of the technique saying 'a dunk in the water' is a 'no brainer' if it saves husbands and families from lives of misery. The technique, witnessed by our reporter, involves the near-drowning of women in an attempt to gain confessions and information but has been criticised by liberal groups.
Reverand Richard Cheney who presides of the Moenui New Life Centre, told journalists that the modern family 'is being torn apart by covens of women intent on bringing civilisation to it's knees' through the promulgation of 'hateful doctrines.'
"Do not underestimate the evil of these women and their groups," said Mr Cheney. "I would be in dereliction of my duty as a leader if I did not perform the dunkings."
A journalist from the Kiwi Herald attended a dunking on Saturday morning, along with 300 cheering locals on the banks of the Wavenay River. The woman Janet MacMurdoch, wearing a fashionable orange jumpsuit, was tied to a seat on a plank and dunked several times in the river for periods up to one minute. On one occasion she was quickly untied and violently beaten about the chest until enough water was emptied from her lungs to allow the treatment to continue. She was then dunked again as many in the crowd cried 'Hallelujah' and 'confess you filthy slut.' Ms MacMurdoch, whose estranged husband described her as 'a mad man-hating witch' was eventually pulled, apparently lifeless, from the dunking chair and hurriedly taken away by ambulance. At this point Reverand Cheney told the rapturous crowd that "God has prevailed and Janet's therapy has succeeded. Before she left for rehabilititaion she whispered thanks to me and asked forgiveness for her sins. She has told me of others who plot evil against our God-fearing community."
Mr Cheney was carried shoulder high from the river-side by adoring supporters.

CHILD PACKAGED AS DOLL

From The Weekly World News

Ten-month-old Kathy Morben surprised toy shoppers this week when she turned up in a box for the popular Baby Lilly^TM line of dolls.

Kathy, who has since been reunited with her mother, owes her brief stint on store shelves to the strict maternity-leave policies at the Baby Lilly^TM factory.

"They wouldn't let me take time off, so I had to bring her to work," said Mrs. Morben, who inserts plastic left arms in hollow little bodies. "I was a little behind and placed her on the assembly line so I could use both hands."

Perforations in the Baby Lilly^TM box--which allow the dolls' realistic cries and coos to entice buyers--enabled Kathy to breathe during shipping and display.

Mrs. Morben tracked Kathy down using her daughter's lot number and UPC barcode. The mother's cries, screams, and bodily struggle to recover the girl made Mrs. Morben indistinguishable from the other holiday shoppers. Another family purchased the girl before her mother could reach her.

But Kathy was immediately returned to the store, amid complaints of her "excessive realism."

Mrs. Morben reports that her daughter seems uninjured, and untraumatized.

"Sometimes I find her sleeping in the toy box, but other than that she's fine," Morben said.

PARLIAMENT'S OPEN DAY CHANCE TO WITNESS VIOLENCE

Moenui Senior Citizens are off to Wellington for Parliament's open day this Sunday, excited by the possibility of 'a bit of the biff, some spilled blood and the chance of catching 'the Donsta' at it amongst the cross benches.'
"If what's been on the tellie and in the Kiwi Herald is anything to go by, the Big House has become the best show in town," said 66 year old Bob Threw, who has run the Moenui Fighting Gym for thirty years and has hired the buses for the trip.
"There used to be some clever verbal stouching in the house but now it's moved to the full monty. I can't wait to see the Mallard dishing out a spot of the how's your father to Bob the Builder and a few others. And I reckon it won't take alot to bring Gerry the Giant into a toe to toe either. He's been doing the angry man for so long now I figure he's due to deliver on some potential."
A number of pensioners spoken to by the Herald said that the possibilty of being in the corridoors of power when the planning and execution of a National Party leadership coup was in progress was 'a chance in a lifetime.'
"I still can quote from Julius Caesar which we studied in form four," says Hilda Happenstance. "Yond John Key hath a lean and hungry look. Such men are dangerous."
"Can you imagine it? The deals being done. The knives being bought?"
"I can see it now. 'E tu Gerry!' -and the ambitious one falls."
A small group of pensioners who thought that Don Brash was too popular to be rolled told The Herald they are hoping to pick up some tips from the man who they believe 'is absolute proof that there is life after sixty.'
A few gentlemen said they would also take the opportunity to visit a Wellington travel agent and check prices of flights to Singapore.

DRINK LAWS MUST CHANGE

Moenui resident Dulcie Willis is calling on parliament to re-introduce the six o'clock closing of hotels and bars saying her husband's dinner has been in the oven since 1967 and if he doesn't arrive home soon she will have to throw it out.
"It's a lovely piece of porterhouse I got in specially," says Mrs Willis.

Tho popular woman, who is president of the local Country Women's Institute, supports current moves to raise the drinking age to 20 and believes that while they are about it "MP's can strike a blow for family life by bringing back the six oclock swill."

"Forty nine years ago a man would wobble home from the pub on his push bike and sit down with the family for a piping-hot plate of meat and two veg. He could be relied upon to give the young fella a good clip round the ears if that was what was required and then we would all sit down in front of the tellie to watch Coro or Gunsmoke. Hubby would contentedly doze off only to be woken by that lovely Marama Martin saying her farewells and the Goodnight Kiwi putting out the cat. These days I doubt half the men round here would even know that Ken Barlow's kids have turned out to be wastrills. They'd be lucky to recognise their own kids now they are stuck in the pub 'til all hours."

Mrs Willis says that in the days of the swill bars were sodden troughs but that longer hours had made them so comfortable men had no need to come home.

"The Masonic in town here was a complete pig-sty with sawdust an the floor and nowhere to sit. These days it serves food, has comfy seating, games to play and even TV to watch. No wonder I haven't sighted Bill for 49 years."

AIR NZ TO MOVE NPC OFF-SHORE

Air New Zealand has confirmed that in keeping with it’s policy of moving it’s operations off-shore the National Provincial Rugby Competition will be played in Asia from next year.
The move, announced by Air NZ chairman John Palmer as he presented the 2006 trophy to victorious Waikato, will see all current provincial teams disbanded and re-established in Asia where crowds are expected to be bigger, costs lower and television rights more lucrative. The move follows recent out-sourcing of engineering services to China, clerical work to Fiji and plans to send baggage-handling and ticketing to Spain.

Speaking at Rugby Park in Hamilton Mr Palmer said that “running the competition on the Asian continent with it’s greater size and more competitive cost structures makes more sense than continuing to play rugby in a couple of insignificant islands far from major population centres"
Speaking to an exhilarated Waikato crowd Mr Palmer said, “By taking the competition to Asia we will grow the game and attract more customers to the National Airline. I’m sure you will be as excited as I am at the prospect of the Waikato Provincial team being re-located to a part of the world where the people regard the cow even more sacredly than here in Hamilton. Next year your team will be based in Mumbai.”
The Chairman went on to say that the Bay of Plenty team will re-form in Bali while Wellington is expected to make a seamless transfer to Pyongyang in North Korea. Auckland will be based in Hong Kong while Southland will relocate to the miserably cold Vladivostok where Tim Shadbolt is expected to run for the mayoralty.
The Kiwi Herald understands that Air New Zealand is confident it can save on player salaries by seeking out new recruits throughout Asia. Rugby scouts believe there is a ready supply of super-fit, nippy half-backs in the Himilayas and an answer to hooking problems in Thailand. Pakistan and neighbouring Afghanistan may well provide a brace of explosive runners and ruthless counter-attackers.

BUSH DECLARES VIETNAM AND IRAQ FOREIGN COUNTRIES

President George Bush conceded today that there are similarities between the war in Vietnam and the current conflict in Iraq. "Both Vietnam and Iraq are in other countries," he told reporters. "Other things that are similar are that both times we have been the good guy in the war, standing up against the evil-doer and both times the French have been disappointing."

Asked whether he thought the Vietnam war was now 'a comma in history' as he had predicted the Iraq war would be one day, Mr Bush said it was a smart question. "You betcha," he said. "You just need to take a look at a map of Vietnam to know it has a shape that is just like a comma; kind of a fat round bit at the top and a skinny curly tail."
Mr Bush was quizzed as to whether he agreed with an opinion by New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman that the current violence in Iraq was "the jihadist equivalent of the Tet offensive."
The President responded: "He could be right. Both the Jihadis and the Tet certainly are pretty offensive. I don't think we American's take offense easily. I mean we are fair minded and give and take but I think we draw the line at the Jihads and the Tets."

NORTH KOREA DETONATES 40 YEARS OF GDP

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—A press release issued by the state-run Korean Central News Agency Monday confirmed that the Oct. 9 underground nuclear test in North Korea's Yanggang province successfully exploded the communist nation's total gross domestic product for the past four...

Read more in 'The Onion'

NO FIREWORKS AS GOVT THREATENS TO CANCEL XMAS

In a shock announcement yesterday the Minister for Unintentional Humour David Benson Pope announced the government is concerned about the stress Christmas causes for many families and may consider cancelling it.
Read Graham Ried's full article in Public Address

AIR NZ PLAN TO OUT-SOURCE A WINNER

A majority of Moenui residents polled by the Kiwi Herald have expressed enthusiasm that a Spanish company may take over Air New Zealand's baggage handling and ticketing saying they were 'looking forward to the afternoon siestas at the airport and the traditional running of the bull each time a bag is lost.'
Air New Zealand announced last week it has an offer on the table from the Spanish company to run the services at far cheaper rates than it currently achieves with it's own staff. Air New Zealand beleives it will save $20 million annually by contracting out to the company.
Meanwhile some 35 percent of those polled preferred that the baggage handling be contracted out to the even cheaper Senegalese Women's Coal Carriers Co-operative, while some 24 percent favoured an option where staff collect fares at the door and close the doors when all seats are filled. This plan would save some 60 million a year.


A Senegalese baggage handler

WILLIE MASON: "I WAS TRYING TO SING ALONG"

Willie Mason 'singing along to the haka '(left) and (right) after greeting David Kidwell.

Willie Mason has apologised for upsetting New Zealanders with a stream of obscenities during the haka at Saturday's Kiwis vs Kangaroos Rugby league test saying "Honest I was just trying to sing along."
The mountainous Aussie prop who was caught on TV mouthing, "What the f*ck is that?" says he couldn't hear the words of the haka because of the noise of the crowd, and was genuinely enquiring what words he had missed hearing.
"We had been singing 'Advance Australia Fair,' on the bus and I really got into the mood for a sing-song. I would have loved to have sung along with the haka too. I could see that little Abo-come-Kiwi Brent Webb there in the front row having a great time and I shouted out to him, 'F*ck off Webby. Your singing too fast. I can't keep up."
The incident has brought considerable debate in rugby league circles with some Australian commentators defending Mason's response to the haka as a 'spirited response to an intimidatory challenge.'
Meanwhile Kiwi second rower David Kidwell whose encounter with a ball-carrying Mason left the big man sporting a black-eye, cuts and dizziness told the Kiwi Herald that his attempt to hongi the big man was perhaps a little over-enthusiastic.

Glossary: Hongi : A traditional Maori greeting involving the pressing of noses.

TYPICAL MAORI HAS 43% PAKEHA NOSE

A New Zealand geneticist has found that the average Maori is 43 percent European and that some three percent have Jewish connexions, 'making it quite possible someone in Moenui is related to Jesus.'
Dr Rod Lea's findings are based on nose measurements of 10,000 Maori and a similar number of pakeha. The system, known as proboscal categorisation, was first used by German scientists during the nineteen thirties, and has been refined and extended by Dr Lea. Using the technique Dr Lea measures nostril width and nose-bone shape to map an individual's racial heritage.
"A true Maori nose is as different from a classic Anglo-Saxon hooter as that is from a Jewish schnoz. Using our technique we can determine where an individual figures on the racial spectrum."
Meanwhile social commentators are excited by the finding.
"Take Waitangi Treaty claims," sociologist Dr. Dennis Brash told the Kiwi Herald. "In the typical situation a Maori person with a treaty grievance will now be able to negotiate directly with the European part of themselves, cutting out the middle man. I imagine the cost of treaty settlements should fall appreciably."
Educationalist Howard Fancypants sees advantages for parents. "Early proboscal analysis of children will help parents decide what their youngster is likely to excel at. Parents will be able to decide whether to buy their child a guitar and a football for their third birthday or perhaps an abacus and a subscription to Easybuy magazine."
However Moenui Commentator Frank Lush was less effusive in his praise for the innovation. Speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel Lush commentated that "Next thing some egg-head will be wanting to tell you your whakapapa by measuring your penis, or God help us by doing a blood test."
A German scientist measures noses in the 1930's

MADONNA BUYS AFRICAN FASHION ACCESSORY

Madonna returned to England last night, the darker tones of her newly adopted Malawian baby perfectly complimenting her porcelain skin and pink handbag. The Queen of pop, who has spent the past week in Africa, told awaiting media she was excited that in getting her new baby she was able to draw attention to poverty in Malawi.
"Not since David Livingstone visited Malawi in 1859 has their been so much interest in the country," the trend-setting Madonna told the Kiwi Herald. "Back then he was able to help the people by pointing out the evils of the slave trade. I just hope that I can help fight poverty by beginning a traffic in children."
Madonna said that she felt as though she had been called to Africa. "Brad and Angelina drew the world's eyes to Africa by having their baby there. I think I have gone one step further by getting my baby from Africa. I think there is some spiritual design in the fact that my new baby is named David just like the the great English explorer."

SPEND SURPLUS ON A PARTY

A coalition of concerned Moenui citizens today called on the Government to spend some of its record surplus on a 'massive piss-up.'
Following Michael Cullen's announcement of an $11 billion surplus, Moenui citizens who have some of the lowest incomes in the country, suggested that the finance minister 'stop being such a boring old fart and throw a bit of a party with some of the loot he's got locked away.'
Spokesperson Frank Lush told the Kiwi Herald that he was 'buggered if he could see the point in spending the surplus on tax-cuts for people who would just spend it all on new Rav4s and subscriptions to Jenny Craig. No. What this country needs is a massive NZ street party- a rollicking good time. God help us we deserve it. We've been waiting for a bit of relief here ever since Roger Douglas closed the Moenui Past Office and the Baptist Good Life and Budget Centre took over the premises. We say, get in about a quarter million pigs, about the same number of lamb, some kaimoana, put down a hangi and open a decent sized bar-tab."
Mr Lush said that some of the money could be paid for entertainment. "Throw a few bob at some good bands to liven things up. There's heaps of good talent around. Fat Freddy, Howie Morrison and my cousin Marama to name a few- although someone would need to come up with the cash to get Marama's saxaphone out of the pawn-shop."
Lush said that he was sure the Government would look favourably at the idea. "Once they get wind of this I'm sure they'll be into it. Some of them MPs look like they know how to enjoy themselves, like Pare and Gerry. They just need to get in the ear of some of the misery-gutses."
"Look we in Moenui wouldn't even mind if Peter Dunne turned up here. Old Dawn from the lounge bar would stop him behaving like such a bloody stuffed shirt. She reckons with that kiss-curl of his he looks alot like her childhood crush Bobby Darrin."

POSH: I LOOK AWFUL NAKED

Breathless reportage from the NZ Herald
Tuesday October 10, 2006

Victoria Beckham has at last confirmed what many people have long suspected: She looks awful naked.

In an interview with Australia's Harper's Bazaar magazine, the former Spice Girl, also known as Posh Spice, admitted that three children and years of dieting have taken a toll on her 32-year-old body.

"I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach," said the size 4 singer.

"I might fit into jeans, but trust me, I look really awful naked."

In another surprise revelation, the mother of three said she was tired of fame.

"Do I wish I could be anonymous? Of course, I don't need to feed my ego that way any more," she told the magazine.

No pictures of Posh naked were published in the New Zealand Herald, however we publish the accompanying image of an anonymous black child from the Sudan and ask readers to use thir imagination

EX-CORRECTIONS MINISTER SAYS OBEYING LAW A MISTAKE

Sticking to the rules is easy but it won't get you anywhere in life. That was the message of former Corrections Minister Matt Robson when he spoke at a school assembly at Moenui Area School yesterday.
Robson who was invited to speak as part of the school's new Moral Education programme, told the students "breaking the law is OK as long as you get away with it."
"Learn from my experience," Robson urged the assembly. "Last year our Party was the only one that kept within the rules governing election spending and the result stands before you: a politician without a job. Had we broken the law like everyone else I would still be collecting a fat salary and firing paper darts and insults across the floor of the House like the rest of them."
"My advice to you young people is 'forget being honest. It will get you nowhere. Rules are there to be broken.'
Mr Robson gave as an example that stealing someone's lunch money was fine as long as the money belonged to 'some nerdy kid with glasses.' "If you are caught, say you thought the nerdy kid wanted to share his lunch money with you that he didn't make it clear that he wanted it for himself. Say he's been sharing his lunch money with you ever since you sat together on the mat in J1. Then cover your tracks by saying that anyway, everyone else shared the chips you bought too and besides Donny and some other boys were playing rudies behind the bike sheds with Dianne."
Mr Robson's speech was warmly greeted by the students and he stayed to chat for some time afterwards when he found his car was mounted on blocks and the wheels removed. Police would be investigating if they weren't too busy operating a speed-trap in the Meka gorge.

NATIONS ROCKED BY NEWS OF TEST

The international community was in a heightened state of tension today after reclusive gardener and dyslexic Kim Youngill announced he has tested a unclear device.
The announcement in the form of a press release to the Kiwi Herald was headed "Take Car or I Will Bowl You Up," and comes after earlier threats to "make an implement of mass instruction to teach all to take me siriosly."
Mr Youngill whose passion for succulent plants and abrasive manner earned him the nick-name 'Cactus of Evil,' has been warned against developing weapons by local police but has remained defiant saying he would "only stop redding up on the innernut and buying in porvisions if the Persistent of the Untied States George Bush agrees to takls."
Upon hearing news of the test President Bush commented: "Maybe I misunderestimated him. Now we need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer. Unless we stop him then I suspect hope is in the far distant future if at all."

CARTER'S NEW HAIR-STYLE ROCKS RUGBY WORLD

Rugby World Cup organisers were today locked in crisis talks after interest in next years event plummeted following Daniel Carter's hair-staightening, according to the Sunday Star-Times.
The All Black star turned out for Canterbury on Friday night sporting straight locks and immediately there was a drop-off in TV audience and numbers at the ground.

Grounds staff at the 'cake tin' in Wellington reported an exodus of pre-pubescent girls from the western stand while seasoned observors noted a surly silence from the large and usually enthusiastic gay fan-gathering who congregate near the players' tunnel.
Former All-Black and Wellington rugby icon Earl Kirton told the Sunday Star Times that 'things went awfully quiet when Dan ran onto the field, obviously without any product in his hair, and from then on the game was punctuated with a series of increasingly off-colour comments most of it to do with the state of the hair on other parts of the lad's body.'
According to Carter his mother was 'gutted' at her curl-less son, while underwear sponsor 'Jockey' has suddenly withdrawn from the lucrative deal it has with Carter.

Meanwhile a spokesperson for the Sunday Star Times has vehemently denied rumours that next week's edition of the paper will feature some news. "We are players in a very competitive market here," she said. "We cannot afford to risk offending readers."

NZ ACTRESS 'WITH CALF'

Oscar nominated Kiwi actress Keisha Castle-Hughes is pregnant and will give birth to a whale-calf in early 2008.
The Auckland teenager, who played feisty Paikea in one of New Zealand's most successful films, Whale Rider apparently is very happy with the prospect of a further 15 months of pregnancy. Her New Zealand agent Gail Cowan says the Keisha and family " are extremely happy about it. Totally. It's a baby."
Some family members spoken to yesterday by The Kiwi Herald seemed genuinely excited about the pregnancy.
"Who cares if she is only 16 and if the baby is likely to weigh several hundred pounds?" said one family member, who did not wish to be named.
But others aren't so sure whether Castle-Hughes understands what lies in store.
National MP Paula Bennett, a mother at 17, none of which are whales, said whichever way you looked at the situation, 16 was far too young to have a baby.
The MP, who was unknown to anyone but her large family until she spoke to the Herald, said that she believed there was no way a 16-year-old had the maturity to cope with the demands of raising a baby.
"You should be worried about pimples, boyfriends and going out, not spending several years swimming around the Pacific with a pod of whales." Ms Bennett said she blamed Greenpeace for painting an overly romantic picture of raising whales.
How the pregnancy will affect Castle-Hughes' career is another question. Her role in the coming-of-age black comedy Hey, Hey, It's Esther Blueburger, alongside Toni Collette, could now be in jeopardy. In the film, Castle-Hughes is supposed to star as a 13-year-old girl trying to fit into both a posh private school as well as an ordinary public school. It is feared the dormitory will now have to be rebuilt to cater for Keisha's increased presence.
Agent Cowan wouldn't go into details about the pregnancy, said she firmly believed having a baby wouldn't ruin Castle-Hughes' career. She would say however that Keisha deserved privacy.
"Small mindedness certainly won't help the family," she said.

AUCKLAND TO FLOAT OFF

An Auckland business leader is seeking tenders to move the country's largest city onto an enormous floating barge in an attempt to create an exciting new brand. The plan to float the city on the world's oceans was announced at a glittering media event by Chamber of Commerce chief executive Michael Barnett who said that the old 'city of sails' label no longer reflects the region or its people". Instead, he said the region required a new brand that truly expressed the dynamism of 'our world class town.' The city would in future be called 'the city on the move'- a city that did not wait for opportunities to come to it 'but would actively seek out new ventures - touring the world.''
"It is a terribly exciting idea," said the bow-tied leader. "It takes the brave spirit of floating the dollar a step further. Imagine waking each day in a new part of the globe with a new set of challenges and opportunities."
"Frankly, I think we have outgrown New Zealand," Barnett told the gathering. "As the recent TV One news poll showed, Auckland is not well-liked here and the people south of the Bombays don't appreciate our worth. I think it is time we parted ways."
Meanwhile Moenui commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, said that he had always thought the 'City of Sails' name was pretentious and believed "City of Mortgagee Sales" was more appropriate. He doubted however whether the floating city idea would work.
"The egos of the local politicians will be enough to sink any barge," he said.

NZ JOURNO NOMINATED FOR NOBEL PRIZE

Kiwi Herald reporter Bridget Saunders was excited and 'even more inncoherent than usual' today after learning she had been short-listed for the Nobel Prize for literature. Ms Saunders whose syndicated column famously revealed last week that the Prime Minister's moggie "has been on a week-long shag-fest with every Tom, Dick and tabby" is on a short-list of 137 nominated for best non-fiction writing in this year's awards.

Ms Saunders, whose column often reads like the Herald's utterly inpenetrable cryptic crossword (which she also writes) was described in a press release from the prize's shorlisting sub-committee as having 'a remarkable ability to two-finger type even while swimming in a vat of wine'. The press release commented that the literary community 'eagerly awaits advance copies of Ms. Saunders latest photo-journalistic epic entitled 'Things I've Done to Get A Story.' When rung for comment by the Kiwi Herald this morning Ms Saunders said that she could not feel her feet but that there were a 'couple of hunky barmen looking for them'.

BUSH'S FETISH FORCED COLIN POWELL OUT

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell has revealed that he left George Bush's cabinet because "if the texan nut-bar had patted my head one more time I was going to kill him."
Speaking in Bob Woodward's 'State of Denial,' an expose of an administration racked by in-fighting, Powell said that the President's bizarre passion for patting bald or thinning heads of hair was a constant irritation.
"Ever wondered why Dick Cheney always looks like he's got guts-ache? It's because he gets his head-patted every time the President walks into the room."
Powell reveals in the book that he undertook the onerous task of 'selling the UN a load of rotten horse meat on the understanding that if I did, Dubya would never pat me on the head again. Then next time we met he was at it again saying 'I'm the decider.' . . . . .
(Kiwi Herald exclusive)

EXCLUSIVE BRETHREN BEHIND THAI COUP?

A Moenui journalist today admitted to hiring a private detective to follow him after realising he "has absolutely no recollection of last Thursday."

Frank Lush who covers the Masonic Bar and the United States of America for the Kiwi Herald said he had called in Wayne Idour to find out if he had "unknowingly been failing to pay taxes or buggering someone in the Labour Party."
The veteran reporter went on to say that "Like the rest of the country I've been following the on-going 'dig-the-dirt stories,' and along with ninety percent of the population developed a fear that I am going to pick up the Herald one morning to find I've been paying Shrek the sheep for sex and my mum's gone into cardiac arrest over her toast and honey."
Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the famous Masonic Hotel, has been in the USA recently where he took 'a bad turn.'
"Strewth," he told the Kiwi Herald "It was in Los Angeles Airport. I fell off my stool in the flight bar and who knows, with all the rumours flying about that guy with the stethoscope fossicking under my shirt may have been Rod Davis."
Lush went on to explain that he had asked Mr Idour to "put on his walrus moustache and his 'I'm a complete moron' disguise and told him to find out the truth about what transpired in LA and last Thursday."
" I can't make sense of it. Thursday is almost a complete blank. The only thing I can remember is waking and in a half-asleep state hearing on the radio that the Exclusive Brethren had staged a coup in Thailand. I tell you I'm seriously worried I may have gone out and confessed to being Bill Sutch's bagman."
Meanwhile local teenager Melodie-Ann Lewis has revealed that last Thursday, "being day four of the school holidays in Moenui was a complete waste of twenty four hours. If I recall anything about it, it was wishing I was dead"

BUSH: "WE WILL NOT QUIT"

President George Bush today reiterated that the US is winning the war in Vietnam despite 'misimpressions from the liberal media and other doubters.'
Speaking on radio the President said that "some people are buying in to the enemy's propaganda that we are not in control there. That's what the enemy wants us to believe. They want to sap the resolve of this great nation. Well I just want to assure the American people that me and Laura and especially Barney will not cut and run on this one. Our historic mission will be accomplished.


Right: The President and Barney arriving at a meeting with chiefs of staff.

BRASH SAYS QUEEN NOT ENGLISH

Moenui ethnologist Don Brash said today that Queen Elizabeth could call herself English if she wanted to but 'everyone knows her family are a bunch of Krauts.'
"I have no problem with Queen Elizabeth identifying herself as English in fact I applaud it, but quite frankly she's about as English as Tariana Turia is Maori. She's a Saxe-Coburg from way back with more Frederick-Wilhelms in her family tree you could shake a stick of sauerkraut at. What's more the father of her kids is a Greek."
Dr Brash's comments were part of an opinion piece sent to the Kiwi Herald to clarify his earlier statements about race in New Zealand. In those comments Dr Brash maintained that Maori were not indigenous to New Zealand and that there are few if any real Maori left.
"The point I am making is that we all need to forget this race mumbo-jumbo and get on with being New Zealanders. Look at the British royal family. They've made a real effort to be English even though they're not." At this point Dr Brash explained the racial background of the Windsors before going on to say that 'of course there are differences in society' but this did not give some people rights to special treatment.
"People who choose to call themselves Maori also like to smoke cigarettes. It's one of those facts of life. They also choose not to become lawyers but like to play for the All Blacks. That doesn't mean however that there should be a special health system for them or a special education system so that they can get into law school. Imagine if we had special assistance for white New Zealanders to become All-Blacks. It wouldn't be fair."
Dr Brash then went on to say that in that the Royal family didn't demand special rights because they were German. "The Queen doesn't ask for Government-funded anger management or conflict resolution because Germans have a propensity to start world wars. No she just puts up with her shambles of a family."