TWO DROWN DURING BLAIR FAREWELL SPEECH

Two British Labour Party delegates drowned yesterday in a tidal wave of tears that swept through the hall at the end of Tony Blair's speech.
Read full story in Dead Brain

US SENATE LOWERS AMPERAGE LEVELS ON TESTICLES

WASHINGTON, DC—Led by a bipartisan group of senators critical of White House policy on suspected terrorists, the Senate passed a bill Thursday that prohibits interrogators from exceeding 100 amps per testicle when questioning detainees. Read story in The Onion

MAORI PARTY OFFERED 'BRIBES'

The Maori Party is considering a deal which, if agreed to, will see it supporting the Labour party in parliament. In exchange for it's votes the Maori Party will receive a bale of blankets, a gross of shotguns, a hogshead of Lion Red, $250 worth of Lotto tickets and the foreshore and sea-bed.
Moenui Maori Party Chair Tari Kuahinga told the Kiwi Herald that she was made the offer by 'a bloke tieing up his dinghy at the Moenui jetty on Saturday. He said he was representing some other bloke who lived off-shore.'
Ms Kuahinga said that the executive of the Party would consider the offer at a special hui next week. At the same hui they would also be considering an offer from an undisclosed source which wanted the Party to support the National Party. In exchange for its vote the Party would receive 1000 cubits of scarfing material, 500 pairs of sensible shoes and 713 free entries into the Kingdom of God.
Leaders of both major parties are denying any knowledge of the offers while Peter Dunne has decried the offers as 'outrageous bribes.'
"All I was ever offered was a cold flat-white at a Mt Eden cafe," said the United Leader. "Typical. More special treatment for Maoris."

NZ POST TOLD TO GET HARD

"Get hard.' That's the message to New Zealand Post from a group of Moenui residents about a request to modify or shift their letterboxes.
New Zealand Post this week delivered requests to a number of residents asking that they change their delivery arrangements for the sake of postie safety.
"Postal Delivery staff are telling us of problems with dogs and difficult-to-get-to letter-boxes," said a Post Office spokesman. "We are asking for co-operation from the public on this."

But a local lobby group claims it is a cost-cutting exercise. 'Postbusters of Moenui' has been established to 'resist moves by bureaucrats and bean-counters to sanitise the job of postie and reduce the quality of the service.'
"It's just another cut-back," spokesperson Elsie Parr-Sell told the Kiwi Herald. "There was a time when posties made sure the mail made it through, no matter where the recipient lived. Down-town office or tiny shack on a long country road-it didn't matter. Posties were proud, determined people."
Mrs Parr-Sell said that 'insisting mail-boxes become drearily uniform receptacles at the end of non-descript drive-ways is a further step toward corporate fascism,' and said she would not be moving her letter-box from the top of her kanuka tree 'for the sake of any lazy postman.'
"Postbusters" members the Herald spoke to supported their leader. Meka valley goat farmer Serge Yordy whose post box is down a 300 metre cliff said that he had "put in the long rope for the climbing down to the post-box. When the posting man brings the letter I give him a ladle of my best goats milk and sometimes a yodel."
Hone Te Ika whose letter box is in the middle of the fast flowing Kuri River says that when NZ post complained that it's postal delivery staff did not want to ford the river with mail he "met them half way and moved the letter box from the bank of the river to the middle. You can't say fairer than that can you?" Mr Te Ika told The Herald.

Retired postie Bindy Irwen agrees with the Postbusters group saying that modern posties need to 'get hard.' "Thirty years ago when I was on the bike there was nothing more exhilarating than wrestling a pit-bull or defusing a letter box bomb so you could deliver a letter from someones Gran."

HAS PRESLEY LEFT THE BUILDING?

Annette Presley, popular telephonist/receptionist at Moenui County Council has denied that she has left her job. The vivacious Presley who has graced the front desk of the office since it opened is famous for extraordinary self-confidence an infectious laugh and a propensity to talk about her breasts to strangers.
Presley's denial comes after Office Manager Martin Wylie announced that Presley had left the organisation. Presley however spoke to the Kiwi Herald from Fiji where she says she is holidaying with her breasts.
"I may be on the beach but I am not washed up. I have no more left the organisation than Teresa Gattung has found $837 million under her mattress," snorted Presley. "I'll be back in the office just as soon as I can find my passport."

Meanwhile Mr Wylie clarified the situation by saying "We announced something that we thought Annette understood and it is looking like she has not."

FAMILY GETS CAR : CHILD LOSES WEIGHT

A Moenui South woman has confessed to selling her daughter's body parts as down payment for a Toyota Rav4. Ngaire Sperdle said she bought the $9000 car because she had seen one on TV and needed to drive her daughter to the $2 shop. Since Ms Sperdle had no cash or savings, the car dealer arranged finance for the purchase which inflated the cost to $35,259.56 to be paid off over nine weeks.
"I was really grateful to the car salesman for arranging all this money for me but I kind of got cold feet when I realised that it would take me a bit to pay it back," she told the Kiwi Herald. "It was about then that they suggested I might want to pay for the car in body parts and I thought about Jonah Lomu and that fella who gave him a kidney. It seemed to me like our family could own a nice car and also help lots of sick people."
The car dealership, Great Wall Motors is owned by former Shanghai transplant surgeon Gong Zheng. While Mr Zheng was unavailable for comment today chief salesperson Peter Bisset said that Great Wall Motors was grateful for the opportunity to help poor people better their lives. "Everyone wants nice things. We provide a range of choices to them so that they can, of their own free will, structure and plan their lives to achieve their dreams."
Ms Sperdle says that her daughter Hope loves the car rides and will appreciate them even more when her legs are removed next week. "It has been fantastic. It's like being on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and The Biggest Loser all at once."

BRASH "MY MAORI ARE FROM SINGAPORE"

After an announcement by famous ethnologist Dr Don Brash that Maori don't exist anymore many Moenui residents woke this morning complaining they had dreamed that they were from Singapore.
"Bloody hell," said one local. "I woke up in a cold sweat. I dreamt I was being taken on some sort of tour by this clever pakeha fella and he was introducing me to crowds of people as being from Singapore. I kept saying 'nah mate I'm Maori,' but he wouldn't have a bar of it aye. 'No,' he kept saying. 'Maori don't exist and what's more they were never indigenous. Trust me you are better off being from Singapore.'
The same dream, with slight variations was shared by scores of others presenting themselves at Moenui Hospital today.
"It's a mental health nightmare," hospital spokesperson Fairlie Crook told the Kiwi Herald.
"Locals feel betrayed, confused and even angry at Dr Brash's announcement that Maori don't exist. These people have spent a lifetime thinking of themselves as Maori and as indigenous. Then Doctor Brash comes along and throws a thousand years of history out the window. I'm not saying he is wrong of course. Everyone knows he is a brilliant man and a highly regarded race theorist but I just wish he had warned us before his announcement. We could have had a strategy in place like a series of "It's Great Not To Be Maori" radio, tv and print advertisements pointing out to locals that being honorary pakeha means you live in flasher houses get arrested less often and live to know your grandchildren."

Meanwhile local commentator Frank Lush, speaking from the Sports Bar of the Masonic Hotel, said the whole business would be 'forgotten by lunchtime.'
"This Brash bloke is just talking and talk doesn't matter much. We should just consider ourselves lucky he doesn't have a real job. Like managing a bank for instance."

PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR HIRED TO DIG DIRT ON GOD

A private investigator has rocked the establishment by claiming that he has dossier of information about God that will send shock-waves and empty churches "faster than a visit by the Taliban."

The investigator Wayne Idour, claims he was hired to build the file by the Labour Party but Labour Party officials are denying involvement.

The allegation is the latest in a series of shocking revelations claiming criminal activity and sexual impropriety by MPs and the gathering of "dirt files" by snoops hired by the Exclusive Brethren sect.

Last week Wayne Idour admitted to gathering dirt on the Government and then went on to say he knew of Labour attempts to collect sleaze on it's political opponents. The latest claim involving the bugging of confessionals and fingerprinting of collection plates has brought howls of foul-play from the church.

"It's absolutely deplorable. Trying to dig up sleaze on God is beyond the pale," a leading Churchman told the Kiwi Herald.

Mr Idour however defended the investigation saying that if it was good enough for the Exclusive Brethren to dabble in politics it was "fair enough for the Labour Party to reciprocate, after all He should have nothing to hide since He consistently sets Himself up as some sort of moral authority."

Mr Idour would not comment on rumours that God had been at an election night 'laying on of hands' at Labour headquarters dressed in a stylish blue suit. He did however raise historic allegations that God was involved 'inappropriately' with a teenage virgin some 2000 years ago. The Kiwi Herald understands that an artist's impression of the teen (at left) will be published in next months Investigate magazine accompanied by a call for fresh information from the public

God could not be reached for comment.

'LESBIAN FATHER' JIBE LEADS TO CRISIS

Police were last night involved in a tense stand-off with a ten year old boy after the heavily-armed lad named Luke, barricaded himself in his room upon learning that his father is a lesbian. The Moenui boy, who grew up on his uncle's farm in nearby Tatooine with his sister Leia is believed to be in possession of a number of fluorescent light-strips and an upright vacuum cleaner which the 'sensitive youngster' calls R2D2.

"It is so heart-breaking that Luke has learned the truth of his parentage this way," the boy's aunt Beru told the Kiwi Herald. "Poor Luke found out the truth from the Internet. I just hope those despicable people who published the photo of his Dad with the awful caption are satisfied! Obviously they have something against Luke's Dad but this way of attacking him is just not on."
Beru Lars went on to say that she hoped Luke's sister Leia would be spared the 'tacky details' about her father until she is old enough to understand but she thought that recent publicity about the existence of the on-line information "might make it impossible to protect our little princess from the the awful truth."

Meanwhile police who are camped outside the boy's home are appealing for help from an elderly friend and some-time mentor to young Luke.
"We believe that Abe Kenobi, sometimes known as Ben Kenobe may be able to persuade young Luke to come out," said Sergeant Frank Tawhai. "We'd like anyone who knows his whereabouts to get in touch with us." Mr Kenobi is described as a kindly gentleman with a love of family values.

MENOPAUSE, IMPOTENCE, ART

(From Our Arts Reporter)
Moenui opera-buff John 'Giovanni' Brown premiered his new one man show 'Impotence-the opera' in the Moenui town-hall last night. The opera, inspired by the highly successful musical 'Menopause-the musical' is described as 'the story of everyman.'
Brown who is the sole performer and writer of the show says that the success of the Menopause show motivated him to write an opera for men which expresses 'the angst, worry and pathos in the death of manhood."

"It is something that all men can identify with. In the darkness of the theatre men experience a profound feeling of oneness with the performer and the others around them."

Early reviews have been mixed. The Kainui Chronicle said that "the dramatic structure of the opera was compromised by the lack of a real climax," while the Tumescence Times Tribune recommended it as a great place to buy cheap Viagra.

Mr Brown said that his next show will be entitled 'Incontenance- A Celebration'

HOORAH! MARINA TO GO AHEAD AFTER ALL

The Court of Appeal today overturned a Moenui Council ruling that had blocked the building of a Marina in the township. The appeal opens the way for a multi-million dollar influx and coincidentally, the drowning of 13 local residents.
Celebrating today at the Masonic Hotel local boaties told the Kiwi Herald that the decision was 'the best thing to happen in the area since the land wars' and that they could 'hardly wait to see ample-breasted bikini-clad models sunning themselves on hugely expensive motorised gin-palaces.'
Amongst the celebrating Hotel crowd, Tama Epiha who will be one of the first to drown when his property is flooded by the development, commented that "seeing local people having an awesome time like this makes it all worthwhile. You have to make way for progress."
Meanwhile well-known beneficiary and surfer Gray Bailley who opposed the marina was unavailable for comment.
"He's almost certainly out on the left-hand break," said marina spokesperson Mick Kelly. "Sums it up really, doesn't it?"

WOMAN HOSPITALISED BY QUIZ SHOW

Local identity Dot Cossey is in hospital this morning after sustaining a nasty injury during last night's "Test The Nation" Health TV Quiz on Channel One.
The popular local suffered the injury when answering a "really hard question on heart disease. I couldn't decide between A and D so I took a stab in the dark," said Dot.
A hospital spokesperson said that "Mrs Cossey has lost a lot of blood but will be able to catch up with Simon and Wendy at six tonight."
Dot told the Kiwi Herald that she hadn't realised looking after your health could be so dangerous.

SAUNDERS ASKS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Kiwi Herald columnist Bridget Saunders today confirmed that she met with National Leader Don Brash in order to recommend that he watch the movie "The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada."
"We didn't discuss politics at all," said Saunders. " Three Burials is such a great portrayal of a man against the world I thought Dr Brash would appreciate it."
Dr Brash regularly meets with journalists to indulge his passion for the arts. This week the National leader's schedule includes meetings with Ian Wishart to discuss 65 year old Bob Dylan's new album "Modern Times" and a dinner with business writer Fran O'Sullivan who "is anxious that Don read Stienbeck's novel "The Short Reign of Pippin IV"

GOD COMES TO DEFENCE OF POPE

God broke a two thousand year public silence today saying that "the little German guy should not be blamed" and that "it was me God who messed up with the Muslim-quote-thing big time."
The creator of all things spoke out when the Pope was embroiled in a stand-off with the Muslim world for quoting from a 14th century text that described Mohammed as having brought only evil and inhumanity.

"Everyone knows that the Pope is infallible and has been since 1870 when the church announced it's Papal Infallibility doctrine. No it was me bugger it, the Little Guy was seeking a few good quotes from me for his speech at the same time I was dealing with Pat Robertson and a whole heap of Southern Baptists. Pat loves a bit of fire and brimstone; a bit of 'stick it up the Muslims' and I got my messages muddled. I take full responsibility but I tell you- being God to all humanity can get really complicated. It used to be a hell of a lot easier."

INVESTIGATOR : 'I TRAILLED PM'

Moenui weather forecaster turned private detective Harold Fogg broke his silence today confirming that it is he and not aliens who has been following Helen Clark and her husband Peter Davis.
Fogg, who would not say who has employed him, said that he had been hired to investigate rumours that Professor Davis had been picked up by law enforcement agencies in Los Angeles while impersonating Lee Tamihore. He had spent some time "sniffing around Parliament to find signs of the Montana Wines carton which my employer believes was used by the diplomatic corps to smuggle Davis back in to the country."
Fogg said he could not talk longer because he was watching "Who Killed Ivan The Terrible" on the History Channel.

NEWS GETS BETTER

Prime Minister Renounces Criticisms Of Sect, Following Visit To ‘Mysterious Island Of The Brethren’

Prime Minister Helen Clark has abruptly ended her war of words with the Exclusive Brethren Church, calling on all New Zealanders to join the sect in “securing strength through chastity, family and the true word of Jim Taylor, our exalted founder”.
Read more on this story from Newzland

KIWI MP ADMITS TO DARK SECRET

The Government was last night in damage control mode after prominent Cabinet Minister Russ Roy tearfully confessed on national television that he has spent years hiding the fact that he has absolutely nothing to hide. Speaking to Susan Wood on Moenui Close-Up the weeping Roy said that his carefully cultivated image of 'being a really interesting person with a highly exciting private life is a sham.'
"I am so, so ashamed," said Mr Roy whose nick names include 'Roy the Remarkable', 'Reckless Roy' and 'Roy Rogerer.' I have spent my entire political career living a lie. I have let so many people down."
Mr Roy's appearance on TV comes after he was outed this week by caucus colleagues spooked by a rumour that the MP's reputation was fallacious. Back-bencher Donal O'Connel challenged the MP about rumours that he was not involved in a manage-a-trios with an Anglican Bishop and one of the Hilton sisters and 'that the celebrated incident on the business round table never really happened'.
Mr Roy whose rise to fame was widely reported as a 'rags to riches story' told Wood that he had 'never been a state-house boy' who survived on a diet of stale bread and used juicy fruit gum, nor had he rebuilt his life after being gang-raped by a marauding pack of scout-masters.
"These were not stories I actively promoted but I confess I never denied them. In reality I grew up in a normal middle-class household in Matamata reading the Waikato Times and -oh my God I'm so ashamed- playing hockey for the Piako Ramblers. The after-match sausage rolls and orange cordial were just corker"
Explaining his reputation as a rake and philanderer, the enormously popular MP said that there was an individual in Wellington who looked very much like him who 'spent his nights carousing and pulling the birds in Courtney Place. People think it is me. In reality I spend my evenings watching Coronation Street and reading the Independent Financial Review in the company of my Parakeet Maude." At this point Roy broke down saying that since the truth had come out Maude had stopped talking. "Oh God, she must be so disappointed in me," he whispered causing Susan Wood to touch his hand in sympathy.
It is not known whether the MP will continue in politics.
Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald wishes it known that it does not want any more unsolicited phone calls from MP's saying that rumours that their "private lives are a shag-fest may be true" but they don't want to talk about it.Maude who was unavailable for comment

GOD TAKES BREAK TO SAVE MARRIAGE

The Moenui Methodist Church released a statement from God yesterday stating that he has gone on leave in order to save his marriage. The statement which asked that the media respect God's family's need for privacy shocked most people who were surprised that God was married and brought a flood of recrimination amongst the populace.
A weeping Reverend Judith Collins who has long been identified as one of God's staunchest supporters, spoke out on Radio Moenui this morning saying that on-going innuendo and sleaze from God's opponents had finally hit home and she "felt so sad for Mrs God and the remainder of the family who were innocents in all of this."
The sentiments were echoed in the streets of Moenui. "Gosh," said one citizen. "Can't the good and the great have some privacy."
Another commented that "the media are doing the devil's work here as usual - attacking the sanctity of the family."
Meanwhile God's opponents are denying that they had any part in the affair. Shaken by on-going charges against them of sloth, venality, corruption and gluttony, they recently responded by threatening to 'dish the dirt' on their accusers if the attacks continued. However a leading spokesperson for them commented: "Sure we have vigorously challenged God on his lack of viable policies to make the world a better place but none of us made any suggestions that he might have been playing away from home. It's not our practice to question whether the Jews remain God's chosen. That after all is his private business and we are going to respect his call for privacy."
Meanwhile some locals are suggesting that there are number of God's inner circle who are now cynically readying themselves for a coup against the leader but all have denied this. Addressing the Kiwi Herald with his trademark beatific smile 'Saint John' Key said "God and I have had our differences but there is no question that I am about to play Lucifer."
Speaking "strictly confidentially and off the record" another staunch God supporter said that "He's a bloody good joker and it turns out a bit of a lad too, nudge-nudge. So it pisses me off what those poofters and man-haters on the other side have gone and done. The sooner He gets back on the job the better. I'll be right behind him hurling lightening-bolts and the odd plague of boils in the direction of the enemy."

BOY BANKER REPORTS RECORD PROFITS

Seven year old Eric Lewis announced today that his First Playground Bank has achieved record profits in the last six months. The boy who began by investing lunch-money on behalf of classmates and moved on to establish the country's first 'Cash for Good Behaviour' scheme, insuring schools against student misdemeanours during ERO visits, made his CEO report while receiving Moenui school's prize for financial literacy.
Eric who is in the top maths group and owns his own calculator, told the special school assembly that as from next week the Principal's office would become the new First Playgroud Bank HQ, after a bail-out deal was negotiated with the financially-troubled Teachers' Social Club. Eric said the measure would give his Bank access to national school records thereby assisting "Playground's march towards globalisation." The assembly burst into prolonged applause when Eric said that the bail-out deal gave the Bank perpetual rights to place 'farty cushions' on teachers chairs before assembly.

In an exclusive interview over milk and vegemite sandwiches Eric outlined to the Kiwi Herald a series of recent promotions that have helped grow his business.
"People have good fun with the jigsaw puzzle bank statements and the 'pass-the-parcel revolving debt scheme' is an old favourite. But I was surprised that there was not much interest in my No Interest Loans promotion.
Meanwhile Eric's sister 14 year old Melodie-Ann Lewis told the Herald that "living with a 7 year old business tycoon is truly weird. He has got a 'Dragon's Den' sign on the door of his room wakes us all with the Business Report blaring and keeps telling us how bullish he feels. He's seven for God's sake. He doesn't even know what bulls do."

LOCAL NEWS

COUNCIL REPORT

NEWS TO HARDEN-UP FOLLOWING DALLOW OUTBURST

TV One will report more hard news in future in a measure destined to cater for viewers who find the current bulletins too easy. The change is a response to recent criticisms by news-reader Simon Dallow that the news isn't hard enough. Future TV One reports will contain some "really difficult news stories, some quite hard stuff and then the usual easy or just banal news."

TV One Head of news and current affairs Bill Ralston announced the changes this morning saying that he and Dallow had "had a frank discussion in which I called him a melee-mouthed little c*** and threatened to break his glasses if he ever bagged the channel publicly again. However Simon then explained that we needed to appeal to a wider audience with our news, not just those who watched it for Wendy Petrie-Dish's lip gloss but also those who watched because he was "the thinking woman's bit of eye-candy." I agreed we should give it a go. The new format will have something in it for everyone including clever-clog types like Simon who do the Herald cryptic crossword.

Mr Ralston agreed that in the past the channel had avoided complex economic, science and international stories from places with names that were hard to spell or remember.
"Most viewers don't want to hear about wars in places like Afghanistan, Uzbekistan and Bosnia-Herzegovina. If the USA invaded Invercargill, Australia or Austria we'd be fine featuring that, although people often get the last two countries confused."
He also complained that "Too many modern-day bad guys have hard names. In the old days Hitler, Tojo and even Sadaam were names you could remember and attach a face to. Nowadays they're all El-this, Achbar-that and have inter-changeable beards. The average punter finds it about as confusing as year 13 chemistry. Nevertheless we will be having some of that stuff in the Really Hard News part of the bulletin provided we can cut in some images of gratuitous violence or send Pippa Wetzel to report in a strapless sun-dress."

Mr Ralston also announced that TV One reporters have been provided with lint brushes to remove fluff from their reports - a response to Simon Dallow's plea for less fluff.

"If Simon has an allergy to fluff I think TV One, as a responsible employer, has an obligation to remove as much as we can from his work environment," Bill Ralston told the Kiwi Herald. " When I saw Simon drying his eyes last week I thought it was because of having to read the sad news story about the Crocodile Hunter. Obviously though it was his allergy not just because he's a big shielah."

Meanwhile, Mr Ralston defended the fact that the lead story on the death of Steve Irwin had taken up 13 minutes of Monday evening's news saying that many viewers watched the news with their pets and both groups were valuable members of the TV One viewing public.

PARLIAMENTARY DAY TO BEGIN WITH BULLRUSH

A meeting between Parliament's speaker, whips from the major parties and Year 7 and 8 students from Moenui Primary has agreed that the instead of an opening parliament each day with a prayer, proceedings will kick of with a game of bullrush with Jerry Brownlee and Parekura Horomia in the middle.
The new measure is one of many designed to bring the House to order and make it more understandable for school children visiting the gallery.
"Bullrush is really good fun when the person in the middle huffs and puffs and and sweats alot," Year 7 student Eru Porotai told the Speaker during a school trip to Parliament this week. "I reckon Pare would be awesome. No one would get past him." The children agreed that "Miss Wilson" would have far less trouble with misbehaviour after a game of Bullrush. "Afterwards you're too tired to cause trouble. You just want to sit in class and draw doodles on the desk top," said Kay-Leigh Simpson.
Despite some resistence the whips also agreed to new seating arrangements designed to break up 'unruly groupings' in the House. Rather than being seated as Party groupings MPs will now be seated in several mixed ability groups chosen by the speaker. Group members will have the opportunity to come up with their own group names. Predictably Susan Kedgely's group is named the "Friendly Dolphins" and Peter Dunne's group "The Meercats." Some groups have borrowed their names from TV shows. A group featuring Jerry Brownlee and Hone Harawira has christened themselves "Bro-town" and another with Trevor Mallard, John Key and David Benson-Pope will go under the name of the "Fear Factors."
On the advice of the students, parliamentary misbehaviour will not result in offenders 'being sent from the House.'
"Being sent out isn't bad at all," Eru Porotai told the Herald "It makes you famouser and you get to play pool in Bellamy's." In future those who repeatedly misbehave will have to sit next to Peter Dunne.

SLOW DAY

NATS DECLARE ALTERNATIVE GOVERNMENT
Don Brash announced the formation of a "National Government in exile" today after Helen Clark dismissed his calls for a fresh election as "grandstanding."...more here


WEATHER FORECASTER SNAPS
The coldest winter in 10 years has consequences in Moenui (read here)

'I'M NO HOOKER' SAYS COP
Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai is denying rumours that he has been 'moonlighting as a prostitute' saying there is "little call for uniformed blokes in the trade anymore."...read more

HENRY'S ROTATION POLICY CAUSES DIZZY SPELL

Moenui rugby coach Henry Graham has stuck to his season-long rotation policy, today selecting an all new team and crowd for saturday's match against Southbank. While the selection of a new team was unsurprising the order to replace the entire crowd with fresh lungs was described by one commentator as... read more

BRASH DECLARES NATIONAL GOVERNMENT IN EXILE

Don Brash announced the formation of a "National Government in exile" today after Helen Clark dismissed his calls for a fresh election as "grandstanding." Speaking from the main stand at Athletic Park Dr Brash said that his Party could no longer stand by "while Ms Clark and her band of thieves refuse to hand back the stolen election." The National Party would instead be vacating parliament and establishing it's own "People's Government" outside the Fish and Chip Shop in Kaiaua.
Dr Brash said that the idea of the alternative Government came when a delegation lead by Gerry Brownlee and Tau Henare came to his office saying that they regarded opposition as a hollow exercise while Bellamy's was not serving Fish and Chips for lunch because of the current gas outage.
"I ventured that I had some mexican corn chips and guacamole in the fridge leftover from Monday's caucus and Lockwood Smith, as sharp as a banker's pencil said, 'If we were in Mexico we would be setting up an alternative Government right now.' Next thing you know Tau, whose experience of Government is of it being a moveable feast, convinced us that we should set up our own Government and take it to the people, or at least where they gather for a feed. We are starting at the famous Kaiaua Fish and Chip shop and then on Thursday we will head off to the Happy Wok in Botany Downs where we will probably introduce a flat tax rate."
Dr Brash denied charges from Labour that he would be breaking bread with the Exclusive Bretheran in Hamilton saying that "even if it were true, which it most clearly is not it would be better than dining with the devil at Bellamy's."
Meanwhile a Kiwi Herald Poll has found that 81 percent of New Zealanders want Labour to pay back the $446,000 of taxpayer money the party spent on its pledge card. Most provided the Herald with their bank account details so the money could be returned by direct credit.

BROWN BROTHER TO BE INVESTIGATED OVER GIFTS

Moenui Country Councillor Peter Brown was defending himself today against charges of receiving gifts from constituents, saying that the light aircraft and Mercedes Benz delivered to his house this morning were Fathers Day presents.
Mr Brown who has a pet Labrador but no children, said that the gifts had come from constituents who regard him as a "father figure - and rightfully so."
"There are a lot of fatherless people out there in the community, people who have tragically lost their Dad or sometimes never known him. Hell, it's only natural that in their search for a dad-figure they turn to a leader and provider like myself."
Mr Brown reacted angrily to suggestions that accepting of gifts from constituents was not appropriate saying "It's always the Brown boys who get it in the neck isn't it? What about that skinny four-eyes bugger who leads the National Party. Jeez those scarf wearers gave him a million smackers in koha and what happenened? Bugger all that's what."
Local policeman Frank Tawhai told the Kiwi Herald that he would look into the matter of Mr Brown's gifts. Speaking from a Fathers Day Barbeque where he was enjoying a couple of crayfish supplied by grateful citizens the Constable commented that "I've arranged to meet with Mr Brown. We'll be taking a spin in the Cesna and I'll be asking him the hard questions."
The investigation into Peter Brown's activities follows an earlier police inquiry in 2005 when Mr Brown signed an original Colin Macahon with his own name and gifted it to a school fete. On that occasion the Councillor was cleared of intentional wrong-doing after he explained that "the picture was obviously one Col had dashed off when he was on the piss. Honestly it was just black and white shapes with a whole heap of words scrawled over it. He would have been embarrassed as hell to know that somebody was selling it. I put my name on it to cover for the miserable old joker."

UN Troops to occupy Grammar Zone

(Scoop from Kete Were)
As fighting continues in the disputed Grammar Zone of Aukland, the UN Security Council last night passed a motion to install a peace-keeping force in the troubled region. ...Read On

LATEST HEADLINES

DRINKING STAR SACKED
Drinking star Sonny Faumuina has been dropped from the Moenui Sponges Drinking Team after yet another outburst of football-playing shocked team-mates and spectators alike. The full shocking story here.


NATS CELEBRATE AS FIELD IS SMOKED OUT
Tonto Philip and the Man in the White Hat are smoked out of their hole in the Beehive but National strategists worry about over-arousal in the team.
Read full story

DRAIN 'TOO BLUE LAKE' SAYS COUNCIL
Moenui District Council has directed that Lake Rotonui be "re-coloured, or drained and filled in" because the deep blue colour does not fall within District Plan guidelines. Full story


HOSTAGES NOT FOUND
An anti-terrorism squad fails to find shoppers taken hostage by unionists.
Read on...

DRINKING HERO SACKED FOR FOOTBALL OFFENCES

Drinking star Sonny Faumuina has been dropped from the Moenui Sponges Drinking Team after yet another outburst of football-playing shocked team-mates and spectators alike.
Faumuina who is famed for his free-flowing and 'almost instinctive' style of drinking that helped his team to the National Inter-Pub Grand Final just a few years ago, was sacked by Manager Ivan "the Terrible" Cleary when the star attempted to drop-kick barman 'Bouncy' Ball between the Chivas Regal and Famous Grouse during a drinking match against the visiting Willerton Swillers.
Despite promises to "give the football away" and a period of counselling, Faumuina has been unable to beat his some-time habit of side-stepping around rows of barstools and intercepting drinks ordered by other patrons.
"Frankly it is bloody annoying," said an exasperated Cleary when spoken to by the Herald. "After the first couple of times you get pissed off with being 'bundled into touch' every time you get close to the door of the gents. We are going to be sorry to lose Sonny from the team but everyone has had a gutsful of him defending the bar with his bone crushing tackles and having their attempts to get away a quick pint charged down."
Faumuina's drinking career will be remembered for his signature one-handed attacks on lines of beers and his love for the cheeky off-load. He joins a long list of prodigious drinkers whose passion for rugby has damaged their careers.