SPORT AND CELEBRITY

More archived stories from October and early November

WILLIE MASON: "I WAS TRYING TO SING ALONG."
October 16, 2006
Willie Mason has apologised for upsetting New Zealanders with a stream of obscenities during the haka at Saturday's Kiwis vs Kangaroos Rugby league test saying "Honest I was just trying to sing along." Read on...

JUDY BAILEY BOOK TELLS ALL
October 30, 2006
Judy Bailey's long-awaited tell-all book went on sale today revealing her anguish at being dumped after many years behind the counter at the Moenui 4 Square Store. Read on...

POSH : "I LOOK AWFUL NAKED"
October 10, 2006
Breathless reportage from the NZ Herald
Victoria Beckham has at last confirmed what many people have long suspected: She looks awful naked. Read on...

'HELL' LAUNCHES NEW 'ABSTINENCE' PIZZA
November 02, 2006
Following widespread complaints about their 'Lust' Pizza promotion which included free condoms, The Hell Pizza Company have launched a new product designed to deflect criticism. Read on...


KIWI SPORTS STARS SUSPECTED OF TERRORISM
November 04, 2006
NZ Rugby League's "Grannygate" crisis deepened today after international
anti-terrorism squads were called in to investigate who knew the truth about Nathan Fien's Grandmother. League sources have confirmed that MI6, ASIO and the SIS now believe Sinnead Fien was an IRA agent and that her grandson and a number of other NZ Rugby League figures may have been involved in building a terrorist cell within the Kiwi squad. Read on...

BRASH, BUSH, THE BANKER AND DAN

More stories from our retrospective. These from September and October 2006:

BRASH DECLARES NATIONAL GOVERNMENT IN EXILE

Sept 5 2006

Don Brash announced the formation of a "National Government in exile" today after Helen Clark dismissed his calls for a fresh election as "grandstanding." Speaking from the main stand at Athletic Park Dr Brash said that his Party could no longer stand by "while Ms Clark and her band of thieves refuse to hand back the stolen election."
Read on


BOY BANKER REPORTS RECORD PROFITS

Sept 12 2206
Seven year old Eric Lewis announced today that his First Playground Bank has achieved record profits in the last six months. The boy who began by investing lunch-money on behalf of classmates and moved on to establish the country's first 'Cash for Good Behaviour' scheme, insuring schools against student misdemeanours during ERO visits, made his CEO report while receiving Moenui school's prize for financial literacy.
Read More

MENOPAUSE, IMPOTENCE, ART

20 Sept 2006 (From Our Arts Reporter)
Moenui opera-buff John 'Giovanni' Brown premiered his new one man show 'Impotence-the opera' in the Moenui town-hall last night. The opera, inspired by the highly successful musical 'Menopause-the musical' is described as 'the story of everyman.' Read on

BUSH'S FETISH FORCED COLIN POWELL OUT

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell has revealed that he left George Bush's cabinet because "if the texan nut-bar had patted my head one more time I was going to kill him." ....read on

CARTER'S NEW HAIR-STYLE ROCKS RUGBY WORLD

8 October 2006
Rugby World Cup organisers were today locked in crisis talks after interest in next years event plummeted following Daniel Carter's hair-staightening, according to the Sunday Star-Times.
Read More

HERALD SAVES WAGES WITH RETROSPECTIVE

In a pathetic attempt to cover the fact that the Kiwi Herald staff are 'otherwise engaged' the editor has requested a retrospective series. The news stories below come from the first two months of publication.

STREAK CAUSES OUTRAGE

Lisa Lewis' streak during a local rugby match has brought a storm of criticism from local residents including some members of her family and her ex-boyfriend.
Lewis who ran 13 naked laps of the Moenui South domain while the players packed a scrum was eventually apprehended and escorted from the pitch by her mother who beat her thighs with an umbrella. Read on...

CAPILL SAYS CHILD ABUSE A MAORI PROBLEM

Graham Capill has joined the chorus of politicians and celebrities describing child abuse as a Maori problem.

The former Christian Heritage Party leader said, “It is time to end the political correctness that bedevils public life and speak out. Read on...

DOGS LOOK FOR WORK

The number of dogs seeking work has risen sharply following the passing of legislation which makes micro-chipping of dogs compulsory except in cases where they are working.

From first light this morning local farmers reported stray dogs turning up to help with mustering and a Moenui woman who is blind told the Herald that she has been overwhelmed by offers of help. Read on...


MPS TOLD 'FOREIGNERS NEED A GOOD SLAPPING'

A Moenui motelier today asked parliament to amend section 59 of the crimes act to make it legal to smack foreigners. The motelier was speaking to a select committee which is considering the removal of section 59 which exempts parents from charges of assault on children if they are using reasonable force. Read on...

'I'M NO HOOKER' SAYS COP

Moenui police constable Fred Tawhai is denying rumours that he has been 'moonlighting as a prostitute' saying there is "little call for uniformed blokes in the trade anymore." Read on...

GIVE UP GIBSON OR WE BOMB AUSTRALIA SAYS ISRAELI PM

Israel threatened to extend its war for survival into Australia this morning following anti-semitic remarks from the famous Australian born actor Mel Gibson, demanding that the Australia turn over Gibson or face 'targeted actions against known family members and other supporters of Gibson until he is given over to Israeli authorities.' Read on...


PLAYER SUFFERS DIZZY SPELL AS HENRY ROTATES SELECTION
Moenui rugby coach Henry Graham has stuck to his season-long rotation policy, today selecting an all new team and crowd for saturday's match against Southbank. Read on...

SANTA IN GUANATAMO : XMAS CANCELLED

XMas has been officially cancelled after the Bush Administration arrested Santa Claus under suspicion of aiding and abetting terrorism, designating him as an enemy combatant.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced that St. Nick had been tracked by the FBI for some time, since he fits the classic terrorist profile: a bearded holy man who took flying lessons, repeatedly entered and left this Country without a passport, and controlled a tightly knit cell of subordinates who manufacture concealed packages – that Santa delivers to his network in the dark of night.

Gonzalez further stated that based on warrantless intercepts of phone calls and emails between the North Pole and Detroit, Michigan, U.S. authorities were able to uncover Santa’s “naughty and nice” lists, that implicated him in various Al-Qaeda related activities.
Santa by all accounts is being held at Guantanamo causing a white house insider to comment that, “No, Virginia, apparently there is no Santa Claus, or habeas corpus.”

Original report in the Satirical Political Report

TEN PERCENT OF SCHOOL CHILDREN STALLED

One in 10 children are troublesome at school because they are 'caught in a cognitive cul-de-sac and incapable of doing a three-point-turn' according to Massey College of Education researchers Dr John Kirkland and Dr David Bilmer. The pair came up with the explanation for school failure while checking the points and plugs on their jointly owned Mazda RX8.

"It came to us almost simultaneously," said Dr Kirkland. "The failure of the car to function properly because of dirty plugs and points mirrors the problems of so-called difficult kids. So many children suffer cognitive dissonance because of a difficult home life. Simply put their brains become clogged with the stresses and garbage of modern living preventing them from showing initiative, asking questions and processing information in the usual way."

But the researchers have a possible solution to the problem - restarting the brain so children regain their passion for learning.

"We've found that vigorous application of a wire brush to the cranial area of most children does the trick. In fact a significant number of children will suddenly become quite inquisitive immediately you approach them with a torque wrench."
Such "stalled children" suddenly start to ask questions like "What the hell is that for?" and "Can I use that thing to turn up the volume on my ipod?"

MINIMUM WAGE RISE CAUSES MAXIMUM HAVOC

Retailers yesterday reported a sudden spike in the sale of new Holdens, Lion Red beer and reports of neglected children, following the Government's announcement of a rise in the minimum wage.
The Government move to increase minimum hourly pay rates from $10.25 to $11.25 has also sent several thousand small businesses to the wall, according to Business Round Table Chair Roger Kerr.
Meanwhile educationist John Kirkland said that increasing the rewards for people for working in 'lousy jobs' removed the incentive for them to better themselves.
"I'm predicting a shortage of entrepeneurs, bankers and tax lawyers in a few years," said Dr Kirkland. "Night cleaning and Hamburgerology will become the chosen professions of a generation of teenagers."

RICH PERSON DENIES STEALING BRASH EMAILS

National Party front-bencher Katherine Rich is denying she stole Don Brash's emails and gave them to Nicky Hagar. The denial comes after Richard Prebble claimed that 'a rich person with a grudge against Dr Brash' stole the now infamous emails.
Ms. Rich who recently changed her name to Katherine Moderately-Well-Off in solidarity with new leader and state-house boy John Key, told the Kiwi Herald
that claims by Richard Prebble that 'a rich person with a grudge against Dr Brash stole his emails' had nothing to do with her. She says that a police search of her office found no trace of emails nor any Thai overstayers.

GREENIE ATTACKED, PRIEST IN HELL-HOLE

Moenui Green-Grocer Leung 'the lettuce' Lee appeared in the local Magistrates Court today on a charge of attempting to sodomise a leading green activist with a stalk of organic celery.
The charge arose from an incident where Mr Lee allegedly lost his temper after being told by the complainant that 'most of his produce consisted of Frankenstein concoctions' and that the few organic products he had were 'disgracefully over-priced.'
Mr Lee is alleged to have suggested that the complainant try the time-worn Chinese organic practice of spraying her vegetables with her own excrement and then volunteered to assist in the process whereupon he attacked her with the celery.
The case is continuing.

PRIEST IN HELL OF A LOT OF TROUBLE

The Pope is alleged to be considering the ex-communication of Moenui Priest Father John Paul, after it was revealed the local priest has regularly had "Lust' pizzas delivered from the Hell Pizza chain in Kainui. This week the NZ Catholic Newspaper slammed Hell's practice of including condoms in the 'Lust' pizza.
"Condoms smothered in hot mozzarella may be slightly risque but they can cause injury and almost certainly will not work," said the newspaper. "Furthermore it is not natural."
Meanwhile Father John Paul is claiming that the pizzas were bought to honour the Vatican 'where they eat alot of that sort of thing,' and for the condoms which are used as holy-waterbombs by altar boys during Xmas hi-jinks.

LAST WEEK'S HEADLINES

The week in summary from Lyndon Hood at SCOOP

Kiss of John Key Turns National Party Into Beautiful Princess

Helen Clark Remains Predictably Agitated
After Fiji Prime Minster Overthrown Over Corruption Allegations,
Foreshore Legislation

Report Attributes Prison Van Death To Multiple Corrections Failings;
Murderer Also Implicated

Wine Competition Leads To Whine Competition


First Rumsfeld, Then Brash, Bolton, Friedman, Pinochet, Basset -
US Midterms Claim More Victims

Release Of 2050 Energy Strategy Leads To
Parliamentary Hot Air Trading

Draft Energy Efficiency Strategy: Save Power By Reducing Drafts

Brash Inadvertently Reads Out 'From', 'Subject' Lines In Valedictory Speech

Nats To Contest 2008 Election On Global Warming, Maori Issues -
Labour To Propose Tax Cuts

Drugged, Cellphone-Using Driver Industry Complains Of Over-Regulation

Telecom Unbundling Bill Solves Every Problem In Country

Parliament Stops Sitting; Politicians Keep Lying

Public Servants To Work Even Less Over Christmas Season

THINGS NEVER BETTER FOR POOR

GUEST COLUMNIST

Here's a bit of Christmas cheer. Planet Earth is not, contrary to Nicholas Stern, Al Gore and acolytes, ending in a boil-up. In fact as Roger and Me, and a few our friends were saying over a champers and strawberry breakfast just today "things have never looked better, especially since I married the fabulously wealthy Rog."
This has been confirmed in a book by acclaimed American economist Indur Goklany entitled The Improving State of Deborah's World

In this country it will be dismissed as rubbish, especially by those on the extreme left, but in a sensible analysis Goklany shows that global warming is in reality a fantastic opportunity to embrace the long summers of our childhood. Sure it may get warmer "exacerbating existing problems, such as malaria, coastal flooding and habitat loss" but this will be compensated by opportunities "to wear colourful bikinis and enjoy iced tea for longer periods of the the year."
Personally I doubt the veracity of the global warming doom-saying. Sure there have been an extraordinary number of ice-bergs floating past Lyttleton freighters and many hurricanes and floods but I, for one, was known in our district as the flood baby. Born in February 1953, when central Hawke's Bay roads were washed out my mother was like Mrs Elephant on Noah's Ark when it came to getting to a maternity hospital. No one, on either occasion, mentioned global warming!

And speaking of babies, Goklany's book says it's never been a better time to grow up poor. There's been a dramatic rise in living standards for these kids. Sure, growing up in colourful Soweto or in the vibrant slums of Mombai may be squalid, and sentence you to an early death from AIDS, but there was never a time like now when you could watch The Apprentice free-to-air or thrill at the prospect of a visit from Bono or Madonna at any-time involving a photo-op or even a celebrity adoption.

And if you want proof here's some statistics: in poor countries, the daily intake of calories per person has increased by 38 per cent since the 1960s to an average of 2666 calories per day. Now doesn't that make you oh-so-suspicious of all those photos of waifs from Darfur and the Congo? I mean what are they doing with the calories? Selling them on the stock exchange? Everyone knows how fashionable it is for kids these days to throw-up their breakfast so they can get on the cover of Pavement Magazine but hell someone needs to take the parents of those kids to task.

This book, from the previews I have seen, should be required reading for every New Zealand politician over their Christmas break. Roger and Me, (or is that Roger and I?) will be reading it together on boxing day after we feed the left-over turkey to the cats.

KEY'S 'ROOTS' TO BE PUBLISHED

John Key's 'return to his roots' to present an Orewa style defining speech is to be documented by Alex Haley Jr and published as a non-fiction work entitled "Roots NZ : The Journey of Kunta Key."
The National Party leader announced yesterday that rather than make his new years' speech in Orewa he would return to Burnside
Haley whose father wrote the original 'Roots' is excited by Key's story which he says has remarkable similarities to the story his father told of an African American man's odessey to find his origins in the tropical forests of the Gambia.
The National Party leader's book is expected to include tales of Key's years as a strong young warrior in the state house jungle of Burnside, before his transportation into the world of commerce, where against great odds he carved out a distinguished career, eventually becoming the leader of the great NZ political party.
The book will also reveal how Key never lost the dream of searching back through his history to re-discover the legacy he lost and in doing so reforge his bonds with the 'ordinary Kiwi Battler.'

HYPERACTIVITY TREATED IN WOMB

Washington, D.C. – Results of a recent study conducted by researchers at Georgetown University suggest that the use of Pritalin, a version of the ADHD drug Ritalin specially formulated for second- and third-trimester fetuses, can significantly reduce symptoms of in-the-womb hyperactivity in unborn children.

"Our research shows that the daily use of Pritalin by an expectant mother can have dramatic results in calming the behavior of an unborn child who is fidgeting and fussing around and whatnot in the womb — a period during which the fetus should instead remain mostly docile as it focuses one hundred percent on its physical development," said Dr. John H. Ryan, lead researcher on the study.

Read the rest in Recoil Magazine

CUBISTS LAUNCH UNNAVIGABLE WEBSITE

The International Society of Cubists officially launched its Web site today, a brilliant rejection of natural form and perspective that metaphysically establishes the implication of movement, analytically redefines spatial relationships, and is an absolute bitch to navigate.

"What the hell is this? I can't tell how to get anywhere," one of the site's first visitors told the Cubist Society's Webmaster-Curator, Paulo Cassat. "Is this art, or is this a Web site?"

"Thank you," Cassat responded.

According to Society President Francisco Bernioz, the group launched the site to bring attention to Cubism, which was founded in the early 20th Century by Pablo Picasso and Georges Braque. The Society also hopes to establish a scholarship fund for young cubist painters and sculptors. However, at a public showing of the site here in Spain's capital, most initial visitors were clearly uncomfortable with the design, especially the artists the site intends to help.

Read more at Satirewire

LAW SAYS 'DON'T KNIT AND DRIVE'

In a move to reduce the road toll the Government is to ban automobile drivers from indulging in a number of common activities including knitting, playing the ukelele, stir-frying, reading the TV Guide and having sex.
The bans, announced by transport minister Harry Duynhoeven are to be included in a law that oulaws using cell-phones while driving a motor vehicle.
"We had always thought it was just common sense that texting with a mobile phone while driving was not advisable but the number of accidents caused by the use of cell phones is astonishing," said the Minister. "After some thought we then decided to add a number of other activities that apparently have been done while driving."
Meanwhile the Convenor of the Moenui Knitting Circle Freda 'flashing fingers' Finch described the law as "another example of Government trying to control ordinary people's lives. Next thing OSH will ban sex while knitting," she said.


A photograph from a police speed camera (right)

NEWS IN BRIEF

Moenui police are investigating the theft of several pairs of mens briefs from 'Moenui Fashions' after shop assistant Daryl Fey reported the loss. Mr Fey provided identikit descriptions to police and has expressed a willingness to 'carefully peruse any line-up of suspects that police put together.

The identikit picture drawn up by Mr Fey and police


MOENUI SEVENS AFFECTED BY COUP
The Moenui Rugby Sevens is set to become the 'Rugby Quartets' next year as a consequence of Government sanctions against Fiji.
A Fijian team has always been the big crowd-puller of the event but the ban on sporting contacts following the recent coup has prompted the change.
Instead the Moenui rugby club will invite a barber shop quartet from Fiji to the tournament.
"At first we thought we could provide a Fijian presence by inviting the Suva Singers to come and sing the anthems but then we thought they could play as well," President Rob Fisher told the Kiwi Herald.
"After all, they're blokes, they're Fijian and they have rhythm. It stands to reason they can play football."
Because there are only four in a barbers' shop quartet the 'sevens' tournament will be modified to a quartet's event.

APOLOGY
In the lead-up to Xmas the Kiwi Herald wishes to apologise for the large number of obituaries that have offended this year.
We particularly wish to apologise to the living who were listed as dead and described somewhat unfavourably. We also wish to apologise to the parents of aborted feotuses whose obituaries were listed.
We want to assure the public that Bunty from Classifieds now plays bowls on Sunday and no longer attends the Moenui Church of the All- Seeing Eye.

SMOKING MP OFFERS APOLOGY

A National Party health spokesman, who set fire to a corporate box while smoking 'P', says he has "learnt some valuable lessons about public life".
Dr Jonathan Coleman, a former GP and National's mental health spokesman, attracted a barrage of criticism after lighting-up in the exclusive corporate box at U2's Auckland concert last weekend, immolating a number of well-heeled fans and causing Bono to abandon the hit 'Fire', mid-song.
Yesterday, Dr.Coleman told The Kiwi Herald that in hindsight he would "do things differently and stick to the smoked seafood platter rather than smoking the 'P' pipe which had been handed him 'by a man with an uncanny resemblance to a former party leader.'
Dr. Coleman said he was not a regular smoker and had 'never inhaled but this time things just got totally out of hand.'
"One moment I was taking the pipe and the next thing Bono was leading a National Party rally in a wall of flames. It was bloody marvellous."
The newly promoted Dr. Coleman told the Herald that he now accepted he had been a little niave and would not be accepting gifts from admiring constituents in the future.
Meanwhile National Party Leader John Key said: "Dr Coleman is a new MP, still learning to live his life under a microscope. Let's keep this in perspective."

IRAQ WAR TO END FRIDAY

The war in Iraq will finish Friday lunch-time according to the Fiji Post.
Commodore Frank Bainimarama, who has for some months promised to stage a coup d'etat against the Government, will first 'deal to the corrupt elements in Iraq and bring order to that country now that the Dubai Rugby Sevens is over,' before carrying out the coup.
The Colonel has been in Dubai for the past few days watching the national team which went out in the semi-finals of the event. He reportedly decided to bring order to Iraq after a phone call from President Bush who heard the colourful Commodore was in the neighbourhood.
"Mr Bush has read about Bananarama and thinks he is our kind of guy," a White House official is reported as saying. "Not only is he a no-messin-around go-getter, but by coincidence he recorded one of the Laura and George's favourite songs 'Na Na, Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye."
The Fiji Post says that the Commodore will install an interim administration in Iraq immediately order is restored with Ratu Epeli Ganilau as prime minister.

CLASSIFIEDS

SEPTIC TANKS EMPTIED
over person of your choice
Phone Barry 7117

URGENT SALE
PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY PLAY-SET
intending buyer gone to rugby game. Says he

will be in tomorrow but unreliable.
Ph Laisenia 766

IF BUNTY FROM CLASSIFIEDS

checked her copy occasionally instead
of talking on the phone and
giving the builders the come-on
this might not have been here.

SALT & AMPHETIMINE CHIPS

Bumper pack for those long nights in front

of the cricket.
Ph 875

WOULD THE PERSON
who borrowed my boat from
the Owairua river bring it back.

I suppose you've drunk the home-brew.

Hope it made you as crook as the rest

made me.

BUSH REJECTS TIMES TABLE AS TOO CONFUSING

By Don Davis

As the debate over an exit strategy from Iraq continues to dominate the headlines, President Bush has reaffirmed his rejection of a times table, as too hopelessly confusing.

As he struggled to adjust his watch to new time zones during his trip to the Middle East, Bush said that the American people have very bad childhood memories about times tables, and would not want to repeat that experience with Iraq.

Bush added that “stay the course” is a lot easier to understand than such complicated problems as “Shia X Sunni = Civil War.” He also indicated that he still doesn’t get the equation of “Stupidity X Arrogance = Quagmire Squared.”

From The Satirical Political Report